Dear you,
If you ever come across this, which I hope you do, just know this isn't intended to hurt you. This isn't for you to sit and dwell on the past & think of all the things you could have done differently. I want you to know that I am okay. I want you to know that their is still a big hole in my heart from you. Everything you did over the years turned me into the strong, amazing woman I am today. So in a way, this is a thank you.
Every single time my dad pissed me off, I ran to you and mom. I looked at you as my dad, and I got to the point where I called you my dad. I introduced you to my friends as my father. I never looked at you as a stepdad. You were another dad to me. You were there when I was crying. You were there to make me laugh. You always taught me a random lesson every day. For a while, I was lost without you. I wasn't sure what to do. Every time I passed moms house I wanted you to be there. I wanted to hug you and tell you how much I loved you. I missed you. You played a very big role in my life, and it was hard to let you go.
For a minute, I was lost. I was broken. My heart was completely torn in half. I blamed myself for not trying to help you. I thought to myself daily "if he doesn't love me why should anyone else?". I never realized that you needed help. If you would've told me, I would drop what I'm doing in a heartbeat. I loved you with my entire heart, and to see you go completely broke my spirit. I didn't understand what I did, or if I even did anything. I put it so heavy on myself, and now I realize that I didn't do anything wrong.
As I said, I loved you with my whole heart. I understand now that you didn't love me. You didn't love my mother. You don't choose to hurt people you love. You don't intentionally hurt those that you care about. I really understand that now. When I first told myself that you never loved me, I cried for three days. I am still hurt. I still think about you and what our family could have been. You may not have noticed you were hurting me, but deep down you were tearing me apart. Every time you yelled at me or my mother, degraded us, called her names in front of me- you were shattering my heart in to pieces. And mom, I'm sorry I never stood up for you. I'm sorry I couldn't take your pain away. You installed a great fear in to my life. And for that, I can never forgive you. You made me lose hope in love. You made me scared to be loved. You made me think that I deserved someone like you because that's all I've ever known.
I've had to leave places to come home to comfort my siblings. I've sacrificed time with my friends to be with my mother, who now only lives in fear. I've been woken up at 6am to you screaming at my mother. I put my life on hold because of you. I can't look at black GMC trucks without immediately panicking. I can't play my ukulele without thinking of you. I can't talk about all my wonderful tattoos without feeling like I miss you. You put me back in to a dark place. I harmed myself for a while, thinking that if you weren't there to cause the pain then something has to. I can't hear your voice without crying. In a way, I miss you. The old you. The you that didn't yell at my mom any chance he got. The you that found the most random things at any store and treasured in our home. I miss the you that turned on the kitchen light because you knew I was afraid of the dark. I miss the you that cared for me more than yourself. I miss the you that loved me. I miss my dad.
With that being said, I am okay without you. I am doing well. I've matured since you've been gone & I will only get better. I hope that you find help & I will always be praying for you. I hope that you treat your next family better. I hope that you find the love that we had for you in someone else. I hope that you can realize what you've done and not dwell on it, but use this as an opportunity to learn. I am okay without you, K. Thank you for everything you taught me.
-Sachi
