I haven't ever actually met you, but I know who you are. I know who you are because you are the one that he smiles whenever your name comes up. You are the one that has all of the memories I never will. But more than anything else you have something I never will. In this moment you have him, even if you don't know it. I will never forget the moment when I sat beside him and looked into his eyes and knew. He used the classic phrase of "it's not you, it's me." But that's the thing; it was me. He and I had a good relationship. He was someone I could be open with, I could laugh with, someone with whom I could be perfectly happy with the silence. He was someone who made me feel okay to be myself; we had some great times. There was nothing inexplicably wrong with our relationship. Except that I wasn't you.

I didn't know your name for a while, I just knew of your existence. He didn't like to talk about you, I think because it was too painful. One day I had enough of hearing and assuming things so I did what any girl does; I social media stalked. Social media stalking is the death of all women. First comes the heartbreak of going "oh no, she actually is really pretty. It would be easier if she looked like something out of Hocus Pocus", then comes the pettiness and then the self-comparison. It isn't fair by any means, but it is reality. It hurts, so we as humans for some strange reason do things to make it hurt worse. We turn the knife.

To the girl that I compare myself to, I'm sorry. You deserve better than how short I cut you to make myself feel better. I was hurt. But looking for things to hate about you didn't make me feel any better. You are gorgeous and seemingly perfect. I understand why he is upset that he doesn't still have you. I have to be honest, there was a while when I absolutely hated everything about you; I mean you got in the way of what seemed to be a great relationship so I had to hate you, right? You seem like the type of person that everyone adores. I understand why he does. It's kind of funny because from what I know I feel like if the cards were a little different you and I would probably be great friends. I envy you and I envy your life. What can I say, I'm not perfect, but at least I'm honest. You seem like a great person and you deserve the best, no matter who the best ends up being and how painful that could potentially be.

I cannot curl my hair for anything. I don't smile that way and I certainly am not someone that can make everyone laugh. I am not the person that is always super cheerful and I am not the person with the smile that he just loves. So basically I'm not you. We have established that. I am me. The question is when did that stop feeling like it was okay? And at what expense, for a guy? Certainly not for a guy.

To the guy who made me feel like I had to compare myself, I realize now that I will never be what you want, at least not now. That is a good thing. I shouldn't have to question when you are with me who you are thinking about. I shouldn't have to feel the pressure to make you happy enough to forget the moments you had with her. More than anything, though, I should not have to feel like I am not what you need because I just wasn't good enough. Relationships take time to get over; I totally get that. Life moves on and things keep happening, live. You are a great guy and you really do deserve the best. But you screwed up. You screwed up because it is you that is the problem. "I myself am made entirely of flaws stitched together with good intentions." And that is me. That is exactly what you get and I make no apologies for it.

Guys, I'm gonna be honest with you. I am sick of comparing myself. I know that I am beautiful and smart and funny and a catch. I know that. So why do I care if one guy doesn't know that? I don't know, maybe one day he will realize he is stupid (he tells me he is often) and see what he missed. One day he will be able to let go of her and her memories and who knows, but until then this isn't easy. Even saying hey it is him and not me does not make it easier. No one likes feeling like they pale in comparison to someone else. At the end of the day I am who I am and that will never change. Relationships are different between different people and I shouldn't feel like I have to apologize for that. I know he misses you, you probably miss him too. I have no doubt that things between you two were great. Things with he and I are great too. They will never be exactly the same, but they are still great. I need to accept that. I will never be you and I will never have with him what you two had. That is a good thing; it didn't work out for a reason.

I'm not sure, maybe one day I might meet you and things will be different and you and I can be friends. Today isn't that day. So for now I sit and look at your Instagram of your new relationship the same way that he does. I look at you with a pain-filled smile wishing you happiness in my pain. Comparison is the thief of joy. This is a quote that rings so true. So I am done letting comparison steal my joy. One day I will be able to look at things and have a relationship with him in some form that isn't exactly what he knows with you, but for today, I am just happy with saying I am me and I am happy. I am happy with not having to be you."

Disclaimer: Being further away from this situation, I have a much better perspective on things. I feel like this is something that all girls encounter at some point. When I first wrote this, I had no idea who I was even comparing myself to. After taking time to get to know this person, I realize that I was only comparing myself to an illusion of what someone else wanted. Girls, know that you don't have to be anything other than exactly who you are for a guy. I know this now, and hopefully reading this can help some of you.