I've never known you. You left before I was born. I remember my mum telling me that you probably wished she had terminated the pregnancy. But she didn't, so I'm here and there's nothing you can do about that. I know many people are probably in the same situation as me but this particular letter is to you. I know where you live but I can never know where your mind and soul is.
I don't know how you could do that. Walk out. Leave. Never come back as if my mum and I were never a thing. Get together with some other woman, her name one I always dread the sound of. You gave me trust issues, you made me depressed, you ruined my mental state. If my dad is one of the two people who's meant to love me most in life, who will love me if he doesn't? You left scars on me and my brother and every now and again those scars will re-open and quite possibly will never heal.
You left me but I never left you.
But I can say: I don't need you!
You say you didn't need me and while it hurts like hell to know that truth, I'll swallow that hard pill. Anyone who's heart is that set in stone is hardly bound to change. However I know now that I don't need you.
I have so much in life you will have to miss.
You'll never get to meet all my amazing friends. All of the ones who have hugged me and comforted me through my darkest times, some of them crying over you. The friends I used to be jealous of because they had dads, ones they could cuddle and love and I didn't. Now they are the greatest family to me, I see them as brothers and sisters. We've laughed, danced, sang at the top of our lungs in a car, ran along the beach, had the deepest conversations and experienced life together. I never got that with you and I'm alright with that.
You'll never get to see me achieve in ways you never dreamt of. I've graduated school and you'll not get to see me start university. Oh how I wish you could see me waltz across that stage and grab that degree with a tight fist. Instead, I'll walk across smiling but at heart, I'll still be happy because I got there without you.
You'll not get to see me parade through life and achieve every dream I have my heart set on. And while that breaks my heart because I know you don't care, that won't stop me. I'll travel, and write, and do all my soul desires.
You never needed me and while I always thought I needed you, I feel like I don't. If I have came this far, if I've survived 18 years, I can survive 100. I don't care if I have only my mum cheering me on at graduation, or if I have to buy one less present every birthday and Christmas, or even if I have to walk myself down the aisle and give myself away at my own wedding, I'll do it!
To anyone experiencing this, it is the toughest thing you may experience. But know this, you can do it. There are times where you'll be pessimistic because believe me I am, in a sense, every day. But your dad doesn't define you. I still love my dad, even after all he's done, but that won't ever stop me from being me.
While your name and talking about you brings a sour taste to my mouth, I'll keep going. I'll keep fighting and keep living life. Some times will be good and some will be bad but you shouldn't care. Because if there's one thing you didn't raise, it's a failure of a daughter.
