Growing apart from anyone so suddenly is already hard enough, but suddenly getting dropped by your college friend group you considered family is easily one of the most painful experiences I've ever gone through. And to be honest, I'm still not over it. I still think about everything we did together and, in all honesty, I'm not mad. Forgiveness has never been an easy thing for me to do, but when I look at you guys I can't be mad at you.

We became friends when two of us attended choir camp together. Then, we were in a lot of the same classes. Then, we made more friends who were also in our classes. Our group got closer. This resulted in many movie nights, lunch dates, deep talks, and endless laughs. I told my mom how much I loved you all and how happy you guys made me. She was so happy that I made friends. My mom even told me, "The friends you make in college will be the best friends you will have in your entire life." And she was so right.

Side story: I walked into my freshman year of college in a very emotionally abusive relationship. The guy I was dating would tell me the nastiest things and tell me how unworthy I was. I was so scared to break up with him because I feared for my life in fear that he would drive to my college and physically harm me. I remember you all sitting me down and telling me that I was worth so much more than how he was treating me. You all told me that you would be with me no matter what and would never leave my side if things went south. And you did just that. That's when I knew you were some of the most special people I had ever met.

I can't devalue all of the memories we made together. They were some of the happiest times of my life. Being someone who struggles with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, I think of myself as paint. I look and appear so pretty and neat on the outside, but once you start to strip away my layers, the ugly chemicals begin to show. You guys were like the second (sometimes third) coat of paint that lifted me back up and made me pretty and appreciate life again. You appreciated me when I was at my worst and my best. You made my nasty chemicals go away, and I knew I could always rely on you all to hug me or let me come over if I ever started to go down that path again. I always had your back whenever you needed anything. Whether it was a pep talk saying the guy you liked really did like you back, or going through a nasty break up, or bad roommates, or not knowing where you were going in life. I always tried to make sure I was there for you when you needed it.

But then something changed. I don't know what changed, but it all happened so suddenly. The lunch dates became scarce, we would only talk during the classes we had together, you refused to take pictures when we were out, and then on our choir trip, you acted like I didn't exist. I, of course, was shocked, to say the least. I never expected you all to do something like that. I cherished you all so much. I considered all of you family. The rest of that trip was spent wondering and pondering about what I did wrong. Where did I screw up? What could I have done differently to help save our friendship I didn't know was falling apart? We didn't have a falling out. It just seemed like one second you all were there, and the next you didn't know I existed. Which hurts most of all. It feels like you didn't like any of the moments we shared or that you were always planning. to do this. It felt too easy on your part. When did you know you didn't want me in your life anymore? Was it something I said? That I did? Did something get lost in communication? I have no clue. All I know is that I lost my strongest support system. My paint layers are beginning to strip away and my ugly chemical emotions are beginning to show through again.

I look at the pictures we all took together that are hanging on my wall and sometimes cry because I know nothing will ever come close to how happy you all made me. I can't talk to my roommate about it, she's still very close to all of you, as she's currently on a lake trip with all of you right now. It's deeply affecting my relationship with her. I can't tell her how I truly feel about this whole thing, I don't want her to think I hate her now too. I can't tell her no when she says she's going to have lunch with you all, or go to the lake for the weekend, or hang out at one of our old hang out spots. I feel like I'm living a double life with her and I know in some aspect she thinks the same way about herself. I see the semi pained look on her face every time she tells me she's going to hang out with you guys. Or how I know she never invites them into our house when I'm home because she doesn't want there to be any awkwardness in the air. I feel like I'm losing her. But I can't force her to stay away from you guys. She's so happy when she's with you.

Sometimes I'll look back at our text messages and try and see where it started to go wrong. Was it when I asked you all who wanted to have a picnic in the park and none of you responded? Or when nobody offered to cover my ticket to see a movie but everyone jumped to cover someone else's ticket when they said the same thing? Those instances play over and over in my head. I constantly think to myself, "Was I too annoying for them? Was I too much of an inconvenience?" I sometimes cry myself to sleep because I can't stop thinking about those instances or the questions I have. I've doubted myself as a person and as a friend. I'm usually so confident and outgoing as a person, but now I'm scared everyone I run into will want nothing to do with me. After all, I did somehow scare away the four of you, and I thought you'd be here forever. I'm afraid to make friends because I feel like I'm not good enough for anybody.

I can't tell my mom. I know shed cry because she knows there's nothing she can do to help. It pains me to tell her that you all are doing fine and we hang out regularly. I told my voice teacher. I had to hold back tears while telling her because she knew how close we were. My friends are shocked that this even happened. They told me they could see us being each other's bridesmaids/ groomsman. That's the hardest thing to hear. Everyone tells us they thought we were invincible. I thought we were invincible.

Forgiveness is something I have struggled with my entire life. Even though I know no apologies have been made, I have never been mad at you during this time. Sure I was mad that this entire situation had to happen, but I've come to realize that as people, our preferences change when we get older. I can't stop you from choosing a preference. Even if that preference doesn't include me in it. I have always wanted the best for every single one of you and that will always continue to be the case. I do not doubt in my mind that everywhere you go in life you'll continue to make people as happy as you made me. Thank you for so many things. For the laughs, the food, for saving my life on so many occasions you don't even know about. I'll always treasure you all and I'll be right here if you ever decide to look back.

Sincerely,

A former friend.