I was debating on whether to write this letter. but it's something I've wanted to express for a while now and I can't think about it any longer.

To my ex:

We haven't spoken in a few years, and I'm glad. You may take it as a compliment that I'm thinking of you, and I wanted to tell you that I've been remembering our relationship.

I remember the sounds of your knuckles hitting anything it could find when you were angry. I remember when I told you I wanted to break up and you punched your car window so hard that your fist went through it. I remember how any shred of happiness I had you made sure to crush it so it could never reappear. I remember all of your snide comments about my body and how I was only worth the love you gave me, which wasn't much. I still remember the night in your car outside my house when I told you that I wanted to die, and you laughed and told me that no one would miss me. I remember the ringing in my ears that I used to get when you would scream your insults at me.

I still hear you in the back of my head sometimes. I hear you telling me that I'm "damaged goods" and no one actually loves me. I still flinch whenever anyone moves too fast around me or moves too close to me.

I blame myself for staying with you as long as I did, I don't know why I believed your threats to harm yourself if I left you, perhaps it was because I was so afraid of someone hurting themselves as I was. I blame myself for loving you so blindly for years, ignoring every sign that I needed to get out. I wanted to be loved so badly that I didn't recognize that it wasn't love. I blame myself for going back to you every time you told me you would change, even though I knew you never would. I blame myself for thinking you were my protector when you were the one I needed protection from.

But, I blame you for forcing me to do things I didn't want to do. I blame you for all the damage to my self esteem. I blame you for manipulating me into getting rid of all of my friends. I blame you for making me skip school functions because you didn't want me anywhere but with you.

I don't hate you, I hate who you became. The person I fell in love with made me happier than I had ever been, the person I broke up with made me question my own safety.

The day I knew that it was finally over was the day that I told myself I was free, and that I would never let someone control me like that again. It was tough for a few months after, I had no idea how to exist without you. We did everything together, and now that you were gone I didn't know how to function. I finally had my freedom but you still had your grips on me.

As time passed, I regained back everything I had before you. I regained all of my old friends and even more new ones. I went out and spent my time with people that I wasn't allowed to speak to when I was with you.

I have to thank you, though. You showed me what love isn't. You showed me all the things that I wasn't, so I could find out all the things that I was. You taught me what a relationship shouldn't be, and to never tolerate how you treated me.

I will never say that I wasted my time with you, because you taught me what I never wanted.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Is Doing So Much Better Without You