To the boy I can’t get over,
I did it, I fell for you. I am consistently overwhelmed by the amount I still always think about you. I know that I am the one who ended things and I was legitimately taking proactive steps to move forward from our relationship, but the truth is I cannot. Every single time I think about even talking to another guy I have to stop myself immediately because you come back into my head. You and all of the things we shared together. The way my heartaches for you is unexplainable, awful, and it consumes my life every day. When I see you in person my heart stops, I try to hide, and I can barely breathe. I am overwhelmed with all of the emotions and memories I have for you in a way makes me not even be able to control my own body. I tell people that I hope you are happy with your new girlfriend and that I don’t ever want you unhappy but I only tell you this because I need people to think I’ve moved on and am happy, but in reality, I am not.
My friends believe you are bad for me and continuously say that I deserve better, that you do not deserve me because of the pain and heartbreak you have caused me for the past year and a half. No matter how hard it tries, my brain cannot control my heart. I want to believe so badly that you are bad for me and that’s why I try to pretend you do not exist, because it is easier that way. It is easier to pretend you are an awful person for what you know you did, for continuously wronging me, when I actually believe you are not an awful person. I know how kind and loving you can be, I know that the world is right when we get along. However, I always replay the things I found out about you, over and over again in my head from a year and a half ago…my heart breaks every time I replay those things in my head.
If my feelings for you were pounds, I would not be able to step in water without drowning, because that is how many I have for you. I always every single day feel weighted down by those feelings for you and most of me feels that if I could just write them down and give them to you or tell you all of them that I will be able to be free of them once and for all, but I know deep down that is not the case. I think that I will always want something to come out of feelings I have for you but we know that will not happen. No matter where I go, what I do, or where I end up, I fear completely that what could have been will always be deep and empty in the back of my heart.
After the last time we had a conversation and saw each other from across the bar, my biggest fear came true. That your feelings for me one hundred percent vanished. The way you once looked at me was completely gone and you looked at me the way you look at a stranger in the mall. After that day, I have faded into a weird memory that you try your best not to think about. It sucks, ya know, knowing that your feelings could be unreturned after everything we have gone through.
I cannot really think of anything else to tell you other than I hope your new life is amazing and magical. I hope you are happy and wish you and your new girlfriend truly the most happiness you guys could ever have. I hope switching your major was the right thing to do and it brings you as much happiness as I once brought you. I cannot wait to watch your dreams come to life. I wish you to be happy and loved, even if it means moving past me.
xx,
The girl who can’t seem to move on
