I used to be you in the Wal-Mart parking lot at three in the morning wondering about my next fix. I used to be you thinking life couldn't get any worse. I used to be you conning anybody for anything. I used to be you wondering when it would end and if it did end- where would I be? I used to be you and now I live a truly beautiful life.

I'm not saying that my life is all rainbows and butterflies now because that would be a lie. However, today I am content with living life on life's terms. I have had to feel a million different emotions I didn't even know existed because I would always use to numb them. Don't let society trick you into thinking that feelings and emotions aren't normal to express because they are. Expressing how you feel is healthy- hiding the feelings with using- is not.

Before I could recover I had to first admit to myself and everyone else that I was an addict. And honestly at that point I didn't know which hurt worse- breaking my family's heart or the thought of never getting high again. The thought of living a real life can be scary to drug addict. I became so enthralled with the lifestyle and the game I honestly thought I'd be content doing it for the rest of my life. Despite the fact that I had a daughter who loves me unconditionally and wanted her mommy back, recovering was a decision I had to make for myself. For me, I had to hit rock bottom before I even considered to really stop using.

I hit the bottom a few times. I kept lying to myself, saying to myself "I'll go to rehab in two days". Those two days would come and I would tell myself I could wait because I wasn't THAT bad yet. I was the type of addict who would compare my addiction to other's to make myself feel better. But at the end of the day all addicts- drugs, food, gambling, sex, etc.-are equal with one another. I allowed myself to believe that I was better than the next person I was using with and that fed into my addiction. That mindset is wack. But I was in active addiction and it made sense at the time. It was a plausible excuse to keep using in my book. Just from my own experience rock bottom just gets deeper every single time.

I woke up one morning with the people I surrounded myself with at the time. As I looked around, getting high, I realized how sad it truly was. How much wasted talent was in that one room alone. That's when I decided I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that. I still remember the looks on their faces when I stood up and told them I was checking myself into rehab the next day. Of course none of them believed me I really didn't even believe it myself. I swallowed my pride and made myself get into that car and get checked in.

I will always be an addict and I can not ever allow myself to think any different. I know, without a doubt, that I could go out today and use if I wanted. What I don't know is if I would make it back into recovery. I remind myself of that daily. One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

Today, I am clean. Today, I thank God for getting me through those dark days. Today, I have hope not only for myself but for the addict still in active addiction. Today, I take my daughter to the park without wondering how I won't be dope sick. Today, life isn't perfect but it's life and it's what I make it. Today, my glass is half full. Today, I am a grateful recovering addict.

I used to be you and today I am grateful for going through that storm. I used to be you and I want you to get the help you need and deserve. I used to be you and today I am praying for your recovery.