I am so sorry that I have unfathomably failed you - so far
I still struggle with my worth or perhaps my anxiety does. My logic and anxiety often battle on who I am, where I'm going, and everything else between that.
I'm not a perfect friend. I can and have disappeared on people; I have ignored calls due to my own personal feelings and left messages unanswered. I don't intend to do these things. I truly don't.. it just, happened.
I say I failed you because I have not actualized how to become you.
I don't want to be without fault, that's a clearly idiotic notion, but I would like to find a way to be better. Every moment of growth is a step closer, right? To be less filled with anxiety and depressive thoughts, to feel love and happiness flow from my fingertips rather than bits of mania and sadness.
I failed, but I will not succumb to the sheer deepened lines of our thoughtlessness. My humanity is not equated by what I have yet to accomplish, but by what I am.
I am not looking for absolutes here. I know this road is long and treacherous - wouldn’t be life if it was simple.
I refuse to accept defeat. I refuse to stay in my pity and outnumber the many ways I have gone beyond failing you... wait... me.
I have disappointed myself for the last time. I will no longer shove my head in the sand - this is how I become you, regardless of what happens.
I Keep trying.
If I stop trying, all of this would have been moot. I am not here to quit. I am not here to give up this fight to be better, be less of the person who was shaken and shattered by an ex-lover who did not value them. I will not take the abuse of family and strangers about myself or the special dynamics of what makes me ultimately myself.
I will give this life everything I fucking have.
I’m currently the dash on my gravestone - this body will be returned and no longer mine. This life will be over and no longer available.
So I’m sorry that I disappointed us - but I will never give up trying. We... I, am worthy of so much more than a little sunshine.
I’m the whole damn sun.