It's March 24, 2017 and a year ago I went on a date and awkwardly said "I love you" to a girl with wild hair and tattoos. Now, I am sitting here, in a different room, different friends, different life and the girl with wild hair and tattoos is no longer here. I stumble home after drinking her name in a few shots and climb into bed knowing tonight I might go to bed at 2 a.m., or maybe 3 a.m. My life isn't sad or lonely, just an odd presence knowing that a year ago my life was different.
They say love is an emotional connection with someone that is bonded for life, whether you're together or not. It's a connection that makes you feel how they are feeling, even if it's miles away. However, I wasn't a believer in that until March 24th, 2016.
I still have sand in my shoes and sweaters from late nights on the beach as we cuddled up near a fire. We didn't talk, only sat in silence to enjoy how wonderful the stars looked and how perfect the moment was. We spoke thousands of words without even making a sound.
When I smoke a Cigarillo, I sometimes think of when we sat on a bank in front of a beautiful pond, and we talked for hours as the sun set. We didn't need a fancy picnic on the bank of a river, just a few Cigarillos and a good conversation.
I sometimes wander to the old bridge we snuck under and stargazed at 3 a.m.
Or the times we had a picnic and it decided to rain, and we didn't care that we got soaked; the deep dish pizza was the only thing needed to be saved.
I recall the nights we sat under a willow tree and talked about things nobody knows. You told me I was different because I made you feel. How you never stayed this long with someone or even felt your heart race as fast as it does, but with me a simple hug makes your day. How I changed you for the best. How your mom loves the way you shaped up because, with me, you're safe and with someone who hands you the world on a silver platter.
I get sad looking at flowers because I remember when you surprised me with flowers, and nobody ever did that. Then, later that night, we got drunk and went skateboarding at midnight through the main streets of my hometown. That was the night I fell in love, because you were so adventurous and seeing your beautiful silhouette in the street light made me realize I am dating my best friend. When we kissed in the middle of a four-way, as soon as the light turned green, I never felt so peaceful.
Fancy dinners were never a thing when Taco Bell was near. We didn't need to have dates and money to have a good time, just being in each other company was the greatest value.
If it rained we cuddled and watched horror movies, and talked about the dogs we will own. If it was a spring day, we went outside and tried to find a new adventure. On a summer day, we would adventure to new walking trails, and laugh about everything that came to mind.
When you gave me a promise ring, I never felt so sure in my life than at that moment. I never saw myself getting married or truly committed to someone. I didn't even think you were prepared for me, since you knew I was so broken.
Now it's March 24, 2017 and the ring is no longer on my finger. I can no longer call you to head to the beach to have a bonfire. I can no longer ask if you want to go on a 2 a.m. adventure. I can't call you at 11 p.m. to tell you about my day and ask about how yours was and how the dog is. I can't make plans with your mom and you to go watch a Rugby game.
I can't wake up next to my best friend, my soulmate.
A soulmate is the person you're not meant to be with, only a person who shows you why love is too good, so hang on to it as long as you can.
I just hope when you read this, you might think twice about how you betrayed me, knowing that getting up and leaving me without any word or goodbye was the worst decision of your life and your only regret, because you will never be happy like you were happy with me.
Every time you are with a new face, you will try to search for me, because I promise you will never find me in another person.