I'm having trouble putting my feelings into words, because there's so many rushing through me. Proud, lost, happy, broken. I've been trying to put words to paper (screen) for a while now, but it's been tough. Mostly because I don't want to face reality, I think. The reality of it is that you've been gone for nearly one year, and I truly can't believe it.

Proud that I've made it. I really didn't think I would. There were so many dark moments, days, weeks. And I'd keep telling myself that you'd want me to be happy, that I needed to pull myself together, and god it was hard. But I made it. I made it through the first year, so it can only get easier, right? As long as i don't think about how you won't be here on my wedding day, to meet my kids, to see me graduate college and get my first big kid job. But I'm so proud of myself. I've had a lot of accomplishments this year, too. I got a new job, got promoted, and got promoted again. I've cut people out of my life that make it harder for me to be happy, rather than find excuses as to why it's ok that they treat me the way that they do. I've just grown so much as a person. And I wish you were here to see it.

Lost because you're gone, and you were my person, and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I still feel like I don't know how to function without you here. I feel like I need to call you to do simple little things, then I remember I can't. Then I wonder if someone has your old phone number, if I called it who would answer. Probably some snobby kid with a bad attitude, similar to the one i used to have. Lost because when I come home for a few days, I see things like the rocking chair you painted and loved so much, the plants you picked out for the yard. Because I see so much of you in myself, and everything around me, and it hurts. So badly.

Happy because I know you want me to be. Yesterday I was driving and the sky looked gorgeous, and I thanked you, because there's no way the sky could look so beautiful and you not have a part in it. Happy because when I come home I feel you here with me. Happy because when your favorite songs come on I can still hear you singing along. Happy because you don't want me to be sad, and I'm doing my damn best.

Broken, because that feeling just won't go away. I don't think it ever will. I'm only 22 years old, and you're gone, and it's not fair, and I'm angry. And I hate that I'm angry and I don't know who to direct it at so I just hold it in and I feel broken. When I watch a new movie I know you would have loved, or hear a new song that makes me think of you. When I put my music on shuffle and the first song to play is one that you liked, and I try so hard to be happy about it. But I can't always be happy. How could I be, when you're gone?

I can still hear you singing, very off key, to your favorite songs. I can hear you telling me you love me. I can feel you next to me when I'm sad. And I'm so scared that I'm going to lose all of that one day, the same way I lost you. And it kills me.