When you lose a parent, and in my case, my only parent, you are in a state of shock. All of sudden nothing in your life makes sense anymore and your entire reality doesn't exist. You suddenly can't comprehend life without them, let alone, how you will get through this life without them.
As I write this, I can be completely honest and vulnerable to tell you, that I am still in shock and I have yet to recognize my life for what it is now. It hasn't even been a year and I still have panic attacks that she isn't here, and will never be here again. I am for sure, I will never be able to mentally process that. I would be lying if I told you I don't relive that day over and over again. Believe me, I can still hear the phone call, I can still hear the doctor telling me she has passed, and I can still remember the last time I saw her alive.
To my mom, the things I regret not telling you still haunt me to this day. I truly believe you are here in another sense, but never in the way I would want you to be. I regret not telling you how strong and powerful of a woman I thought you were, how you conquered anything life had to throw at you. You were always so courageous and faced it head on. You told me the bold truth, even if I was rebellious and didn't want to hear it. In the end, you were right about everything. You saw people for their true colors and never let anyone push you around. You always knew what people needed to hear, and they always admired that about you. You were my most memorable teacher and idol. You guided me through the hardest and most confusing times of my life. You were there for me right by my side when my heart was broken, and you were there for me when I started to pick up the pieces.
My eyes start to tear up and my throat begins to burn at the thought that you will never be here to see me truly happy. I could never fully obtain that without you here. I can never go anywhere without a memory of us coming to mind. I can't come to imagine that you will never meet him. He has been one of my biggest supporters throughout this time and it has come to the point that I can't imagine my life without him. I wish more than anything he could have won your heart and sang you "Freebird" anytime you wanted. I wish more than anything you could have finally seen your daughter happy with the one she loves. I wish more than anything you could've seen me dance one last time. Life isn't so fair, and we never know when a moment will be its last. I will never take anything you have done for me for granted and I will forever carry these strong traits of yours with me for as long as I live. I promise to carry on these traits to my future children. I promise you will never be forgotten in anyones eyes. You will always be remembered as the independent, kind-hearted, and bold woman I always knew and loved.
To this day, I regret not telling you goodbye. I saw you in the room on the hospital bed, and I couldn't do it. My feet felt so heavy and I just couldn't bring myself to believe what had happened. It didn't feel real, and felt as if I was dreaming, and I couldn't come to realize you were gone until I was at your funeral staring at your urn. This is my biggest regret in life, and not a day goes by that I regret not taking that opportunity to tell you how much I loved you and how much I would miss you.
Mary Katherine McNeal, you led an incredible and memorable life. I will always cherish the time I got to spend with you, and I will always be honored to call you my mother. You made an impact on this world for the better. I can only hope that I can live up to your expectations and do the same. Here's to you mom, and the life you fulfilled.
