To My Little Brother: Please Unblock Me On Instagram

To My Little Brother: Please Unblock Me On Instagram

You leave me no choice.

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Hello Little Brother,

After months of texting you, complaining to mom and dad, and begging you in person, I have finally decided to turn to a bigger platform to ask you, once again, to unblock me on Instagram.

We've known each other for nearly sixteen years, and by now, I like to think that I know how you work and think. And, I absolutely get it - you're a funny guy (but don't let that go to your head, I'm still funnier than you). We both know that initially, you blocked me because you were most likely annoyed with me. However as the days and weeks went on, and as I asked you more and more to let me follow you, we both know that you turned this into a game.

See, you think that this is hilarious. At this point, it doesn't really matter what I did that led you to block me. Now, it is really only about you making a point and keeping up with the game; it is only a bonus that you can see that this brings me extreme frustration. Yet, I do applaud you for keeping this going for this long, I honestly underestimated your dedication.

But, as you know, I am tremendously stubborn and I will not stop bugging you until you finally push "unblock."

So, to persuade you into granting me access to viewing your Instagram page, let me take you back to all of our wonderful memories together (in which I remember constantly being a kind, angel-like, mentor-type, practically perfect in every way big sister. And in no way at all is this an over-exaggeration or fabrication, whatsoever).

Let's talk about our talks regarding pop culture, specifically animated TV shows. First of all, I need to thank you for making me start watching the fantastic show that is Rick and Morty. I can't tell you how many times I have watched this show to destress in college or to just simply be entertained. However, watching the show isn't really the same without you there. I miss your impression of Rick, which is really just you burping (it's still spot on though), and muttering "Morty." Then you making me respond with "aw jeez" in a classic Morty fashion. I swear, whenever I watch the show now, I have this empty feeling inside. I also miss just making random references with you. Whether it be "hey dad, that's a cool WHip" from Family Guy, "Marge, what are you doing on the roof at 3 A.M. Shouldn't you be baking?" from the Simpsons, or just the classic "OooooOOOOOooHHHhhhHH" from Regular Show, I have to say you're my favorite person to watch animated TV with.

I also gotta say that, although I definitely didn't act like it, I miss being your chauffeur. I really did enjoy listening to good music with you on the way home from school, even though you would hilariously object to constantly listening to Skinny Love by Bon Iver or Cigarette Daydreams by Cage the Elephant. It was in those moments that I found out that one of your favorite songs is "Piano Man" by Billy Joel, given that whenever it turned you would turn up the volume to the highest setting it could go to. It was also in those moments where I discovered how funny you actually are, considering you always had comebacks to my sometimes snarky comments.

If I haven't convinced you enough yet with my corny, sentimental letter, let me just let you know that I understand where you are coming from. Contrary to my own, strong beliefs and convictions, I know that I wasn't a perfect older sister. Our age difference made it difficult for us to relate to one another, especially as I entered middle school and high school and you were still in elementary school. Of course, as I was going through a phase of ~pre-teenage angst~ I acted as an older sister who thought that she was too cool to hang out with her little brother (who, by the way, was actually super cool).

Now that I am a super knowledgable and wise adult, I realize that you are extremely cool and that I love to hang out with you. But now, you're going to be sixteen (which is really weird because I keep forgetting that you're not like eight years old and that you're way taller than me) and you probably, for the time being, won't really want to hang with your older sister. Honestly, I totally understand, because I too, went through a time like that. You're in high school, starting to drive and probably feel like the coolest kid on the block (and you should). So, I get why spending time with your older sister might not be the coolest thing to do.

Although you may not want to hang out with me as much (and let me just let you know that despite this, I still love you), please just grant me my one wish: unblock me from Instagram.

Seriously, unblock me.

Or I'm telling mom and dad.

Love,

Your Older Sister

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1. Smile all the time.

Guys want to be with girls who are always happy. Men get severely uncomfortable when all the women around them are not Cheshire cat level elated all the fucking time. Why are you mad? Why do you look so pissed? Are you defective? Autopilot your brain to borderline creepy giddiness before men get the idea that you might actually be capable of a full range of human emotion.

2. Be smart.

Men want women to be smart, but never smarter than them. Don’t know or say anything too much about anything specifically – except sports.

3. Eat like a man, look like a lady.

How many burgers can you fit in your mouth at once? Better, even, how many hotdogs? Have the appetite of a grizzly bear, but eat like a cute tiny rabbit, or Kate Upton faking an orgasm. Oh, and never, ever get above a size 4.

4. Play video games.

No guy can resist a girl who loves to play video games (in her underwear). Fifa, 2K, Smash, Kart – know them all. If you can’t at least beat his worst friend at his favorite game, you’re not a keeper.

5. Love beer.

If you can’t throw ‘em back like one of the guys, you’re not wifey. Yeah, that Norwegian IPA no one's ever fucking heard of? You got it. Bud Light? Sure. Fat Tire? You love that shit. Feel free to let out that beer burp while you’re at it, but the burp you’d imagine a Japanese dwarf squirrel would let out after eating rainbows. Oh, and don’t forget, size 4.

6. Be a freak, but also a nun.

We all know that lyric (thank you, Ludacris, so much). Hit those yoga poses hard because he wants you to bust that shit out like you’ve done it before. But you haven’t … right? Have you?!

7. Keep him on his toes.

No man wants a woman who is predictable and boring. Challenge him. Keep him intrigued. Drop an F bomb every now and then. Learn a foreign language in your spare time so that you might give the illusion of being exotic in bed (Slavic languages sound super sexy). Induce yourself into an epileptic seizure. Whatever it takes to keep it interesting.

8. Have quirks.

Ah, quirks. The things that make people unique. The things that make people, people. You must have at least three of these but no more than five. Think relatable Stepford Wife.

9. Be hot.

This is potentially the most important, and luckily I don’t need to tell you how this works. Look at anything. Anywhere. That ever existed.

10. Never, ever get mad.

The worst thing you can do as a woman is challenge a man’s authority. Don’t talk back. Don’t think. Don’t have expectations. Sit. Roll over. Hold the bark.

---

And finally, in the spirit of strong conclusions and remarkably appropriate GIFs:

Cover Image Credit: Tumblr
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15 Thing Only Early 2000's Kids Will Understand

"Get connected for free, with education connection"

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This is it early 2000's babies, a compilation finally made for you. This list is loaded with things that will make you swoon with nostalgia.

1. Not being accepted by the late 90's kids.

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Contrary to what one may think, late 90's and early 00's kids had the same childhood, but whenever a 00's kid says they remember something on an "only 90's kids will understand" post they are ridiculed.

2. Fortune tellers.

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Every day in elementary school you would whip one of these bad boys out of your desk, and proceed to tell all of your classmates what lifestyle they were going to live and who they were going to marry.

3.Bunnicula

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You could never read this book past 8 o'clock at night out of fear that your beloved pet rabbit would come after you.

4. Silly bands.

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You vividly remember begging your parents to buy you $10 worth of cheap rubber bands that vaguely resembles the shape of an everyday object.

5. Parachutes.

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The joy and excitement that washed over you whenever you saw the gym teacher pull out the huge rainbow parachute. The adrenaline that pumped through your veins whenever your gym teacher tells you the pull the chute under you and sit to make a huge "fort".

6. Putty Erasers

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You always bought one whenever there was a school store.

7. iPod shuffle.

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The smallest, least technological iPpd apple has made, made you the coolest kid at the bus stop.

8. "Education Connection"

You knew EVERY wood to the "Education Connection" commercials. Every. Single.Word.

9. " The Naked Brothers Band"

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The "Naked Brothers Band" had a short run on Nickelodeon and wrote some absolute bangers including, "Crazy Car' and "I Don't Wanna Go To School"

10. Dance Dance Revolution

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This one video game caused so many sibling, friend, and parent rivalries. This is also where you learned all of your super sick dance moves.

11. Tamagotchi

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Going to school with fear of your Tamagotchi dying while you were away was your biggest worry.

12. Gym Scooters

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You, or somebody you know most likely broke or jammed their finger on one of these bad boys, but it was worth it.

13. Scholastic book fairs

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Begging your parents for money to buy a new book, and then actually spending it on pens, pencils, erasers, and posters.

14.Go-Gurt

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Who knew that putting yogurt in a plastic tube made it taste so much better?

15. Slap Bracelets

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Your school probably banned these for being "too dangerous".

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