Imagine a spiral of dominoes. All neatly spaced and meticulously placed. Imagine that spiral of dominoes represents you at birth. A beautiful creation that is marveled at by the people around you. People give you all the attention you could ever hope of dreaming of. They all see you as something amazing and beautiful. But one day, someone decides to touch the spiral, and knock over the first domino without anyone looking. The dominoes fall one after the other. As each one does you become less and less beautiful-- no one is marveling at you any longer and you begin to feel like you are alone. The spiral nears its end and you finally collapse as the last domino falls. You have completely broken down and you no longer feel purpose. You don’t feel joy or sadness or anger or grief. You just exist. No one cares because you are no longer that beautiful spiral of dominoes anymore. You are just a pile of tiles now. Unable to pick yourself up and make yourself into that beautiful structure once more. So, you begin to wonder, “what is the point?” and “why should I bother, no one cares anyways.” For years, you think these things and feel unfathomable pain. And it all stems from the first domino.

It is my belief that we all have a first domino. Here, after years of keeping these words and feelings sheltered from those around me, I am finally addressing my first domino.

To My First Domino,

We are all raised to know and express love. But what is love? Is it a warm hug, or a goodnight kiss? Is it a text message from someone you care about that says “Did you make it okay?” or “Have you eaten today?” Is it going above and beyond for someone you care about? Merriam-Webster defines it as a “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties.” That is true, for the most part. But in our case, it is not.

When I look at my life, I can see that you are my first domino. You know who you are. Or maybe you don’t have the capacity to know that I am referring to you. Whether you do or do not isn’t relevant. Just know that if you read this nothing is held back and there are no secrets. I am going to let people know the hurt you have caused me and that no matter how much it may haunt me every day of my life, I will overcome it. For my sanity and well-being. What you may not realize is that this is not something recent. This begins back when I was a child.

You held me when I was born and from that moment on we became closer than I have ever been with anyone. You were my first best friend. I grew to view you as my fatherly figure, even though you were not my father. I did everything with you. We would go fishing, listen to music, or sit in your room and play guitar. You bought me my first electric guitar, and I remember how poorly I would play, but you would never discourage me. I also remember how we used to call other relatives and you would play over the phone trying to convince them that it was me. I still remember that time clearly. I can still hear the song you played in my head.

But one day that all changed. You met her. You began to drift away from me and I slowly became less important. I no longer mattered. You did not have the time to go fishing or to jam out together. You viewed her as more important than your best buddy. I began to wonder what I did or if I just wasn’t good enough to be around anymore. Happy memories that we shared turned into things no child should have to witness. I remember you coming home drunk and unable to function. I remember being in Canada on a family vacation and getting a call that you had punched through the curio cabinet in a drunken state. I remember that you didn’t spend your grandmother’s last Christmas with her. But you made it a point to come empty handed asking for money to buy your sad excuse for a girlfriend a gift. I remember the cop cars at the house. I remember the time you slit your wrists. I even remember doctors finding traces of cocaine in your blood stream. Maybe you do not think that I remember, but I do. I remember it all every day. It constantly haunts me. Even recently, you began getting involved again, and still all these years later, you put her before me.

I am unable to hold any sort of stable romantic or platonic relationship because I fear that I will get too close to a person and they will leave me with no warning. Just as you did all those years ago. And do you know what that results in? It results in me feeling alone all the time. Feeling like I have no support system because everyone is just going to leave me anyways. It is a hurt that you will never be able to comprehend no matter how hard you try.

It is sad that you don’t know the things I have done and the thoughts I have had. Maybe if you did you would change. But then again, a leopard doesn’t change his spots. You don’t know about the fact that I have used drugs and alcohol because of you. You don’t know about the major depression I feel to the point where it feels like a chore to get out of bed. You don’t know about the anxiety I feel. You don’t know about the weight I feel on my chest every time you are around. You don’t know that friends have asked me to sit in the back seats of cars on my bad days because they fear I will try to grab the wheel and run the car off the road. You don’t know. I put on some facade because it is what has been preached to me since I was six. To just shut up and never say anything. So I constantly supress the feelings. But I cannot keep the charade up much longer. It is eating away at my happiness, my relationships and my life. You will never be able to comprehend the pain that I feel. You just do not have the capability. As enraging as that is, I have to accept it.

That is just the bad though. John Lennon wrote in his song Beautiful Boy that “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.” And that is exactly what happened. Life passed you by. I joined band in middle school, began playing jazz bass in high school, have played for and with respectable musicians in both Rhode Island and Massachusetts, was the male lead in a musical my first time acting, was a section leader and drum major in marching band, was an All-State musician and was an All-New England musician. As drum major, I had the unforgettable opportunity of leading my high school band down Main St. USA in the Magic Kingdom and down the parade route of the oldest fourth of July celebration in this country. I have accomplished a lot. But these are things that happened while you were busy with her. These are things that happened while you were too “busy making other plans.”

The point of this letter is for me to gain closure on a part of my life that has tortured me since I was little. I am not trying to resurrect a dead relationship. In my eyes, it is too late now. I can see that you are trying to stitch up something you are just now realizing you gave up. You had the chance to be there for me. You should have started then.

Finally, I sincerely wish I could say I love you. But those words are hard to speak when this much damage has been caused. If you think about what the definition I mentioned earlier said, it talks about love derived from kinship and personal ties. You made the choice, all those years ago, to severe your end of the rope. And I have stood here waiting for your end to somehow reattach itself to mine. But I was a fool to wait so long. This is why, after over a decade, I am finally letting go of my end of the rope. I do not want what we had because, as I said, the time for that is long gone. I need to let go of this hurt I feel to begin advancing myself emotionally. I wouldn't consider myself a religious person, but I believe that the first step is forgiveness. Whether you care enough to accept it is beyond my control, but at least I know I put it out there for you.

Sincerely,

Nick