This post is to my family. I know we might not always talk, but there is something you should know. For a little over a year now I have kept something in; some of you might have am idea. A while back I was diagnosed with RA. RA has completely changed my life. When I was at the doctor after all my blood work came back they told me that RA was genetic and that my symptoms stem back to my teenage years. COOL! Looking back I knew something was always wrong with my joints but I just thought it came from swimming. If swimming wasn't ruined by ears, it was also ruined by my shoulder constantly getting stuck. Anyways, back to the word genetic. In my head I ran through people that I shared blood with. Who the hell did I get this from?!? Then I was reminded that I only know 1/4 of my genetic background. I clearly know my grandma and my mom but besides that I got nothing. My mother's sperm donor is not around nor is mine. So my genetic makeup is pretty much blank. I started to question my grandma and my mom. Who had this? Where did it come from? No one had the right answers. My curiosity died along with my questions. A few weeks later I went to the ear doctor. UHHH the ear doctor. It is my least favorite place. We have become pretty close over the years. He begins to tell me that he has no explanation for my hearing loss and that it has to be genetic. There we go again with that word, genetic. This time I had to find out more about where I came from. I began to do some serious Facebook stalking. A lady named Gina has came up on my searches before so she was my first stop. But she just had a kid, no pictures of a man around. I didn't think she would be able to help. My mom had also been doing some Facebook stalking and when I showed her Gina she explained that the kid in the picture was my brother. We together creeped on his Facebook, and I went to bed without showing any emotion. But what I was thinking was holy crap, this kid looks just like me. I sat on it for a few days, this life altering information. I decided I wanted to reach out. One evening I decided to send a Facebook message to my brother explaining who I was, "Hi I am Mackenzie, I am sure you know nothing about me but I am your sister. I dont know what I want or need out of this but I figured you should know". He asked me a few questions like "who is my dad", "what is his name", "who is your mom". It went better that I thought. I was expecting a WHO THE F ARE YOU? or WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? But to my surprise he was super excited to know he had a sister. A few days later my mom told me that she knew I would reach out because that was the type of person I was. I told her that I learned my brother was 17, he was in high school, had big dreams, and was extremely excited to know that I existed. We kept our relationship a secret from most of our family for months. Me though, I was about to explode with this information. I slowly started telling people I was closest too. I needed assistance with this life altering information, I did not know how I was suppose to handle it. I wanted someone to tell me how I was suppose to feel yet no one knew. Anyways, I began to build a relationship with a person that did not even knew I existed. One night, my brother got into an argument with his father and my name came out. His father did not know how to respond when being told that he should of taken care of his children and not left us behind. This is the night it all really changed. This is when we were informed that we had more siblings and my sperm donor decided to call me. I was asleep and received a phone call. "Hi, is this Mackenzie? This is Richard, do you live with your mom?" I stated yes, and he asked if he could talk to her, I said no and hung up. I woke up the next morning with text messages asking my mom to call this number. When I told her she laughed, she texted him and said MY DAUGHTER said you needed to talk, how can I help you? By this time I had had lunch with my brother and saw him around campus often. But the real shock always happens when I receive a text or call from my sperm donor. I am still getting use to saying that I am not an only child. I still get weird looks when I say my brother or sister but I know this happens because I have not spoke out on new found family. I figured it was time for you all to know the truth. We are happy, and we are still learning about each other.

So there it is, my big secret. I am not an only child. I have an amazing brother and sister who I am still getting to know, and I received what I was looking for in my search to complete my family.

My " father" is not my knight in shinning armor nor will he ever walk me down the isle when I get married. My father will forever be the man who took me camping, sat though hours of swim meets, tucked me in at night, and loved me unconditionally. He will forever be the most important man in my life.

But the real hero's of this story are the ones who kept me from sinking. The relationship I have with my mom and grandma have grown. They were the first secret keepers, and always asked me how I was feeling about the situation. My best friends Chantal and Briana kept my secret and loved me when I was confused on my feelings. My favorite work buddies Danielle and Tia understood me the best and hugged me even when I did not want to be touched. They always gave the best advice, they understood my emotions even when I did not. Those are the real hero's, they are the ones I was really looking for. When I set out on this journey of discovery I did not know what I was going to find.

I thought even if my "father" was POS at least I would know, I would know I was not missing out on anything. What I was looking for was myself. I found myself. I found who and what was important to me; my mom and grandma, my love of working out, and my love of self-made family, and my love for my friends.

This past year has been challenging. I have questioned my life more than ever. I wondered why I was not good enough, why did he decide to leave, why did he have more kids when he did not take care of me? They are all pretty valid questions right?

As of now, I have come to terms with these questions. I still have shitty days where I ask myself these questions but I know it is not me, it is him...

PS I look nothing like my mom....

Love you all.