Dear Ex-Best Friend,

The truth is that I miss you, a lot. We haven't talked in what seems like forever. 1,181 days to be exact — the day after my 20th birthday. I'm still not sure what exactly happened or how it happened, but we just drifted. Everything seemed fine on my birthday, we were talking like normal and then we just didn't talk again.

Sure, we've exchanged two or three sentences here and there since then, and each time I get this spark of happiness to be talking to you for another time. But then it happens again — the conversation is done.

It's hard.

It's hard to write this as I bawl my eyes out barely being able to see the screen.

It's hard because we always said this would never happen to us no matter what.

So much has happened in each of our lives since then, and I just want to word vomit it all to you like old times. You were my person, the one who understood me, the one who always supported me and now you're not which is still a really sucky feeling for me. If I'm being completely honest, I still think about you all of the time.

I've cried myself to sleep way too many times to count because I miss you and the friendship and bond that we had.

In those 1,181 days, our lives have both changed drastically. I've watched from the sidelines of social media of your life growing and changing. From you finding somebody who loves you unconditionally, to starting your family with a beautiful little girl. I always knew that you would be the best mom — you've always been amazing with kids. I'm so happy for you, truly, I just wish I could be there for it all. We always talked about how excited we were to grow up together and be there for those big moments...but here we are. I remember planning weddings together and being so excited to be each other's maid of honor. Here I am, wishing that you were still in my life to be that for me — there's still nobody I would rather it be.

Nine years. Nine freaking years. In those nine years, I never imagined a time that you wouldn't be in my life. I never thought that I would experience multiple birthdays without you. I never thought that we'd be missing each other's big moments. And I'm sorry that it didn't work out the way we wanted it to. I'm sorry we drifted apart. I'm sorry that I didn't try to fix things. I'm sorry that I'm not that person for you anymore.

I'm sorry that we aren't best friends anymore and life didn't work out how we wanted.

I can never thank you enough for all of the memories and happiness you gave me. Like the time when I was 18 and let you drive my car on the backroads before you had your license as we blared music and sang our hearts out through the sunroof — we were so young and dumb, but it is still one of my favorite memories.

Thank you for being my second home and my second family. Thank you for always coloring my hair the night before school with that awful box color — remember how my hair turned out Ronald McDonald red the night before my junior year?! My mom was furious! Thank you for the million laughs we shared. Thank you for pictures we took together, some cute and some er, not so cute.

Thank you for leaving your footprint in my life.

I miss you more than you could imagine. I miss texting you nonstop and our hours upon hours phone calls. I often find myself going through our old pictures smiling, laughing and eventually crying. It hurts so much to see pictures sometimes because I know that there's the potential that we will never be that close again. Having you in my life and being able to share such a close and tight bond with you was and still is one of the best things in my life. I will always cherish that. And no matter what I am always here for you. I am still that 2 a.m. phone call for you.

I love you always, Ex-Best Friend.