To My Best Friend Who Broke My Heart

To my childhood best friend,

I miss the days when we were children, sitting and talking in that tree at your mother's house, or watching movies on the couch at my mom's house. I miss the way we could talk to each other for hours on end, and now we don't talk at all. I miss the way we could go days, or weeks, or months without talking and suddenly pick up like we'd never been apart. I miss the way you used to look at me and everything seemed to just fade away for awhile. I miss the way you would hold me in your arms and it felt like everything was truly going to be okay. I miss the days when the worst pain you'd ever made me experience was when I skinned my knees on the concrete by your mom's pool. Now I know the pain of falling for someone so hopelessly, only to learn that what I felt- you didn't. I miss the days when I really thought you were mine, and now every thought of you hurts me.

You'd always been my safe place, that one person I could trust with everything. You were the first person I called when my high school boyfriend hit me. I was so afraid and you made me feel safe. When I had to confront that boy at my high school homecoming game, you were right there, holding my hand and promising to protect me, and you did. You were there when I broke up with my college sweetheart, because I felt like I was losing myself in my depression. You were there when I found out my parents were getting divorced after 25 years together. I drove to your house, absolutely blinded by my tears. Don't you remember that night after I played a solo show at the local venue, and we stayed at that Ihop talking till almost 4 AM? And the next morning when I had to put down my dog, the same dog you were there with me at age 13 when my family rescued him? And that afternoon when my horse coliced? You were there for me through all of it. You were there when I felt like everything in my world was falling apart.

You were there in the good times too. My first school dance, my first prom, adopting my dog, my championship win at the regional horse show, several performances with my band at local venues, and so many other good memories I have with you. I like to believe that I was the same to you, there for you in the good times and the bad.

It took me a long time to figure it out, but you were my first love. I'd always loved you, and you'll always have a place in my heart, it just wasn't until recently that I figured that out. I've loved you and lost you plenty of times, but this time, it feels like I've really and truly lost you. Maybe it hurt more this time because I thought we were actually together. I thought you were mine. You have no idea how much I loved being able to finally say that you were my boyfriend. The word boyfriend didn't even do you any justice. You were my best friend, my confidant, my safe place, and my home. You always felt like my home even my house never did. You were the one person I could trust with everything. You were the one person I knew I could always call, and even now you're the person I want to call. I miss your voice, I miss being your friend. I miss you.

You chose a time that you knew I was fragile. You knew that I needed you and, yet, you chose that time to essentially abandon me. I didn't need you to drop everything and come running to me, I just needed you to do what you've always done and just assure me that I was going to be okay. I didn't need a speech or hours of advice, I just needed to hear those two words that always made everything okay, "I'm here." That's all I needed. You chose instead to make that the time to deliver a message to me that shook my self-confidence, my trust in everyone around me, and one that hurt me so deeply, I couldn't breathe because the pain hit me so deeply I felt like I was choking on every gasp for breath. It's been weeks and it still hurts like hell to think about you.

Maybe we never should have crossed the line of our friendship, but I could have never been satisfied knowing that I had never tried or acted on my feelings. You gave me fireworks, and chills, and feelings I didn't think I could feel. And now I'm sitting here feeling pain I didn't think could be real until now. I tell everyone I'm okay and that I'm getting over you, but I still think about you at 2 A.M. and 2 P.M. I wish I could know what made you do it or why you did it, because I still don't believe that you didn't feel something for me. I still don't know how you could hurt me the way you did.

Maybe one day I'll know. Maybe I won't ever know.

Maybe this isn't the end. Maybe that was the last time I'd ever talk to you.

I like to believe this whole mess had some other meaning to it, but maybe it doesn't.

No matter what, I'm not letting myself or my life fall apart. I'm doing exactly what I told you I was going to. I'm going forward with my schooling and planning my future exactly as I said I was. I want you to succeed and I want you to do the same. Go accomplish your goals, I'll be accomplishing mine. Life doesn't stop, and I have to keep chasing my dreams. Right now, I have to do everything I can to make myself happy and do whats best for me. I hope you find what you're looking for, even if it was never me.

Love always,

Your best friend