You're not alone.

Pain and hurt have become common in this world but what is uncommon is healing. Everybody is in their feels these days, letting their emotions take over every instinct they have and filling their mind; it's not right.

Broken hearts; from the death of a family member, pet, loved one; loss of a friend, boyfriend, group of friends, crowd of people. My heart is broken, I lost a friend. Sometimes I sit and wonder where we went wrong was it the miscommunication or lack of effort or just busyness that screwed us over. It baffles me how you can go from telling this person everything, putting your trust and love and then suddenly nothing. You see them in a public place or pass them in the hallway and suddenly it goes from close friends to barely acquaintances. Why does this have to be so childish, why can't we grow up and act like adults?

I want to be mad at you and blame you for all of it; cast the first stone but deep down in my heart I know it wasn't intentional. I had to sit idly by and watch someone new come along a better offer that you just passed me by. Like salt in the wound seeing story after story and picture and intimate post and all I could do was sit back and watch. My emotions were raging I was hurt beyond words, I would sit and just cry. Sometimes no words would come out so the tears that rolled down my cheeks were my prayers. Toxic thoughts began to flood my mind and all of a sudden I was trapped inside this white box of lies and I couldn't see what was in front of me. Why wasn't I good enough, what do I have to change to be enough, where did I go wrong. I wished I would've been the one that had been picked. Gotten to experience things with, made memories with, had inside jokes with but I wasn't and that cut deep. I had to cut myself off from social media because it became such a toxic thing that was hurting more than it was helping. I felt utterly alone for such a long time, could barely see that light at the end of the tunnel, I just wanted to be above the battle. There were seasons of growth that I flourished through and there were seasons of heartbreak, sitting in the valley waiting for the storm to pass by. I lost my faith in God many times pondering day after day why he would throw me into this horrific storm as I was so unprepared.

I thought of when Jesus told the disciples he was going to the other side of the lake and the disciples should follow after in a boat to meet him on there. They were skeptical because they saw a storm coming but went anyway, suddenly a storm started brewing on the water and they were all terrified of it. Then Jesus calls Peter to come to walk out onto the water towards him but not look down; keep his eyes on him. The first few steps were easy but as he got closer it became harder to keep his eyes on Jesus and soon he looked down and sunk under the water. He struggled to try to swim to the surface as the waves crashed around him and threw him around under the water. He was drowning and about to die as he feels Jesus hand grab him and pull him back to the surface "Oh the of little faith".

I could've so easily blamed God for all the hurt, pain, anger, frustration, and jealousy. Pushed him away and traveled this road alone but I knew he would sustain me and put me within this battle for a reason. More times than not I don't understand why but when I step back and see how he has brought me to the other side I understand his purpose more clearly. But then I realized the only way that I'm going to finally get past this and finally grow through this long season and the windy road is to say,

I forgive you...

I've felt this pain for four years, this had been the longest road I've ever had to travel down and I've come to a point where I'm ready to start letting go. I found out that I can't change what happened, what was said all I can do it close the chapter to the book and start walking forward. Thoughts of confidence began sprouting roots and I knew that I grew, changed, and found a little bit more of myself. I have been under these waves for years struggling, hurting, fearful but I've seen and felt his hand reach down and grab me out and now it's time to start getting to the other side. Time to continue healing and finding who I am in God, let all this pain go and focus on him.

So dear friend,

finally

I forgive you