The challenge with dating and where we fall short stems from time. I speculate a lot about the struggles with app dating, online dating, meeting people, how we love, how we relationship, how we hook up, how we connect, how we show we care, and how we treat people -- each of these topics come with many pros and cons and discussion can go in all sorts of directions, but what is difficult to manage is time.
How we prioritize our time affects our dating, meeting people, love, relationship, hook up, connection, care, and treatment of others. In New York City, time is of the essence. A date is more like an interview and if prerequisites aren't there, it's over. Often, a date consciously or unconsciously compares the other person to their checklist and determine if this date makes the cut or at least to round two.
Time is money and at a time when many people are insecure about where they stand financially or where they will stand, it's tough to relax and enjoy another person's company without thinking of all the future expectations and demands. Of course, we are anxious and tired -- we have been trying to have it all. Why not be selective and prioritize instead of trying to balance or juggle the "perfect" life?
In some cases, we may be accustomed to instant gratification that we forget how long it took to call our best friends "best" no matter how quick the connection was. In other cases, we are too busy trying to perfect our lives that we lose sight of being present in our day-to-day lives. Time is essential to forming a foundation and strengthening a bond.
I've never been married, so I am speculating again, but from what I can tell, the ultimate relationship goal is still to find a husband or wife -- a life partner signed, sealed, and delivered by two people. While the marriage vows we pledge are great, without needing to say so, we agree to stick together in richness, in good times and in health. Marriage is really about committing to showing up during the poor times, bad times and sick times.
We cannot measure if a person will be there for us come hell or high water by running through our checklists, we have to make the time to be with them. There is romance to security, to showing up, to feeling like another person is home. To build a home, to make it stable, to feel comfortable that all takes time and design.
I think of Malcolm Gladwell's assertion or principle that it takes 10,000 hours of "deliberate practice" to become world-class in any field -- could something similar be true to how much practice we need in relationships to understand another person?
