We are all familiar with the phrase made famous by Thumper in Disney’s "Bambi." “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.” This is something we might repeat, but do we really apply it in our daily lives?
Have you ever said something negative about someone or something, and then looked around to make sure no one else (especially someone involved in whatever it is you are talking badly about) overheard what you said? I’m sure you could say that you have at least once in your lifetime. We’ve all done it.
Have you ever been on the flip side of this situation? Let me tell you, being the one hearing that negative conversation that is either about you or relates to you, or something you are a part of can be hurtful. To be honest, however, I never really thought about just what an effect conversations like these could have on other people until I was the one inadvertently being made fun of in the line of conversation.
Recently, while sitting in one of my classrooms waiting for class to begin, I just happened to catch the beginning of a conversation in which the two guys sitting in the row of seats behind me were ripping to shreds a group where I am a very active member. They were making fun of and degrading this group and its activities that I enjoy being a part of and have made a regular part of my life.
As I sat there, unable to ignore the conversation (they were sitting right behind me and talking rather loudly), I was completely offended and slightly hurt by the way in which they were describing and belittling this group in which I have chosen to invest my time.
Aside from the fact that the things they were saying were hurtful, part of their reason for complete dislike of this group wasn't even accurate. They didn’t have all of the facts. Yet they sat there conversing for a good five minutes about this group as thought they knew exactly what they were talking about, not caring who heard them or thinking about how all of their unkind comments might make others who heard the conversation feel.
These two guys had their own opinion about my group and my group’s regular activities and they didn’t mind sharing their thoughts.
Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. I have no problem with others having different opinions, interests, likes and dislikes than I have. That’s part of what makes each individual unique. What I do have a problem with is people thoughtlessly demeaning the interests, activities or opinions of others, especially behind their backs and for no reason other than to make fun.
If you don’t like something or don’t agree with something, you can say so, but do it the right way — do it in a way that won’t be offensive or hurtful to others. It is one thing to say “that’s not really my favorite thing to do,” or “I personally don’t like it,” or “that’s not my thing,” but it is another to trash talk or make fun of something in which others have an interest.
A much less confident me would most definitely have taken their words to heart, probably felt insecure about my interest, and who knows? Maybe even given it up.
We need to understand that our words have power and meaning—they carry a lot of weight. Using the right words can be encouraging and uplifting, but using the wrong words can be disheartening and destructive. This is especially true when these words are overheard by someone who wasn’t a part of the conversation.
I know I was more offended by the fact that they were having this conversation, in a way, behind the backs of the people involved in the group, than I would have been had they said these things to my face in the line of conversation.
The probability of what happened to me in the classroom may be a million to one, but as slim as the chance may be, it is obviously not impossible. Setting this circumstance aside for a moment, consider all of the other people in the room who could have overheard this conversation. They will form an opinion of who you are as a person based on the things that they hear you say in your unguarded conversation.
Before you start to say something negative, stop to think about how you would feel if you heard someone say those things about you or something in which you have an interest. Put yourself in the position I found myself in while sitting in my classroom. How would that have made you feel? Hurt? Mad? Offended? Insecure? Self-conscious? Any number of these feelings could rise up upon hearing one of your biggest interests talked about as if it were stupid or meaningless.
We not only need to speak to others positively, but also speak about others or the interests of others in a positive way.
You never know who is listening, or who can hear you when you speak. Choose words that are kind and thoughtful. You don’t always have to agree with or like everything, but rather when you disagree, disagree politely and when you don’t share a common interest, say so respectfully.
Don’t just toss your words around or have mediocre conversations which devalue or make fun of others or certain groups or activities. Your words matter and they make an impact. You have the power to decide whether you effect someone positively or negatively. Choose wisely.
