As I'm making my way through the end of my sophomore year, I have had many doubts about staying in college.
I'd be lying to you all if I said that I never felt great while being here at college.
Somedays, I feel like I'm the greatest.
Somedays, I feel indifferent.
But the bad days? Those are terrible. I hate the thoughts that pop into my head.
Thoughts that usually come up are:
I don't belong here.
Maybe this just isn't for me.
I could be doing so much more.
I hate being here.
When I have these thoughts, I even come up with a temporary plan in case I actually go through with it.
But I love being in college at the same time.
But, in this short article, I want to tell you all why I've thought about dropping out.
1. Dropping out isn't a "bad" thing.
In this country, it's this taboo idea. But what people fail to understand is that dropping out isn't such a bad thing. It's not a bad thing at all. It's a time where people can find themselves outside of a classroom setting. It's a time where an individual can still enjoy themselves without having to do homework assigned by a professor. So when I think about dropping out, I think about how it isn't really a bad thing -- we just have this societal view on how it is. And honestly? I could care less about that.
2. Imposter Syndrome/Depression/Anxiety Sucks.
College is a stressful time. While you're learning MatLab, how to write a college essay, or studying for the Art History final, you're still learning about YOURSELF. And of course, you get time to learn about others that are your colleagues, professors, TAs, etc. And yes, at some point you will compare yourself (if you don't -- great! Keep it up!). Now, I do think that comparing yourself to others isn't a good thing (necessarily), but I do believe that it happens. And sometimes, you can't control the emotions that come along with it. My emotions tend to make me feel a bit impulsive, but with time and patience, I've learned to somewhat control them and this feeling of not belonging at a 4-year uni.
3. Some Drop-Outs Are Happy.
I think that we forget sometimes that our clocks aren't the same as another being's. We forget that you can drop out at 18 and have a successful life. We forget that you can graduate as an undergrad as late as 25 years old or even older and be successful (or not). In any case, whatever you think is right, usually ends up being what makes you happy (I hope). Yes, I actually know some dropouts that love their lives. Some working min. wage, some with their own small business. They're happy. Going back to #2, my emotions suck sometimes. And I wish I could be happy always, but I can't, as things happen (death, heartbreak, etc.). Or maybe you can, but I'm just not there yet. Seeing certain dropouts happy (EVEN CELEBRITIES) makes me wish I could just follow their steps. But every person is somewhat different. My clock isn't the same as Alicia Keys, Kehlani, Demi, etc. And that's ok.
I think we forget that you can be happy with whatever you do in your life. And college makes me happy (for the most part). Yeah, I get stressed. Yeah, I cried about my LAW101 paper that I turned in last minute, but in the end? I feel pretty damn good about earning a B.A. in English Literature, and no one can take that away from me. So, even though I think about dropping out, it's just a thought. I wouldn't even consider it a fantasy at this point. My dream is finishing my B.A. and that's what makes me happy.