Ladies and gentlemen, the time has finally come: "Orange is the New Black" has finally released its third season on Netflix. Let's face it, we have been waiting for what feels like the entirety of an hour-and-fifty-minute IPS class for this. So, basically forever. And as if the time between the release of season two and season three wasn't long enough, cue the unnecessarily long opening song.
If you're unfamiliar with this intro, you either do not watch "OITNB," or you have just become insanely good at skipping to the precise point where the show starts. If you fall into the first category, please stop living such a successful, busy life. If you fall into the second category, please hold a seminar to teach us your ways.
The thing with this opening song is, well, it is about a minute long, and it isn't even enjoyable. So, for those of us who thought we were pretty decent at skipping intros, it was a slap in the face. Face, face, face, did the song's melody just change completely, face, face, high-pitched scream, slamming jail cell noise. Why is this a thing?
So, for those of us who binge-watch the series (everyone) and get insanely annoyed at how terrible we are at skipping the opening song, I have compiled a list of things we can do instead of sitting there and suffering through it.
1. Make a sandwich. We all gotta eat.
2. Brush your hair.
3. Paint your nails.
4. Read the dictionary front to back.
5. Build a house.
6. Cook a five-course meal.
7. Lose ten pounds.
8. Vacuum every house in your neighborhood.
9. Shave your legs and watch the hair grow back.
10. Make cheese (double points if you put it on your sandwich).
11. Train for a marathon.
12. Run in the marathon.
13. ...win the marathon?
14. Win the Stanley Cup (Go Blackhawks).
15. Write a novel.
16. Fall in love with your publisher.
17. Get engaged to said publisher.
18. Plan a wedding.
19. Start a family.
20. Go into debt (and cry).
21. Knit enough scarves to cover all of Russia.
22. Build a boat that can never sink.
*I'll never let go, Jack*
23. Invent a time machine. Stewie Griffin style.
24. Screw up the world order. Again, Stewie Griffin style.
25. Somehow fix it (probably by going back in time and not letting yourself invent the time machine in the first place).
26. Teach yourself telekinesis.
27. Discover an element.
28. Win on an episode of "Chopped."
29. Discover the meaning of life.
30. Become as fabulous as Kendall Jenner.
Who am I kidding? No one could become as fabulous as Kendall Jenner before the opening song ended.
