It was a clear, sunny Saturday morning when my usual brisk morning jog through the park was interrupted. My line of sight was unalterably cluttered by a man in a parka who, hunched on top of a few ratty newspapers, seemed to be in pain. Being the part-time humanitarian, part-time investigative journalist that I am, I decided to approach him.
After offering him the spare change in my fanny pack, I decided to get to know him a little better; I’m all about broadening my perspective, and this man had sparked my curiosity. How did this young, well-mannered person start living on the streets? Did external circumstances get him to where he is, or is he entrenched in the caste-like cycle of income inequality that pervades American society? And most importantly, why was he wearing a parka in the middle of July?
A couple cursory questions later, I learned that he wasn’t born into the cycle of inequality, and he wore the parka because its numerous pockets added enough utility to give him good bang for his buck. Paraphrasing the audio recording from my $300 dollar rose gold iPhone, here is the rest of his story.
It all started when his Russian friend Provok A. Tivwillruinurlyf started wearing shirts with shoulder cut-outs. Having not been entranced in its glory previously, he had never realized the wholesomeness of a common shoulder. All day, he stared at the opening in her sleeve, and was unable to listen to his teachers’ lectures on hyperbolas and the War of 1812. Within the span of two weeks, his grades dropped from A’s to B’s. This marked the downfall of his brilliance as a student. And from there, even the brakes on a Toyota Prius couldn’t slow the impact of his descent.
As Spring rolled around, shorts and exposed midriffs posed additional problems. In previous years, girls could only wear shorts that rested just above their knees. He had never been distracted by these. But with over 40% of his other friend, Idress F. Urpleasure’s thigh now showing, he couldn’t quite focus on studying for his SATs. And her 1.5 centimeter exposed midriff didn’t help either.
All in all, his initially positive high school experience was dampened by factors out of his control. Even his best efforts in high school and college couldn’t halt his downward trajectory, and ultimately the untimely thoughts of shoulders and midriffs had prevented him from reaching his full potential. His biggest regret in life, he went on to say, was attending a school with a lax dress code.
Note: After conveying to him that many people who don’t find academic success in school still lead lives with meaningful careers, he refused to answer any additional questions before incoherently rambling about drained passions and lifelong hindrances for five minutes.
I was, to say it lightly, thoroughly astonished by his revelations. I had never realized how selfish all girls are! Our personal form of expression, style and clothing preferences, were decisions made without even taking the needs of others into account. Who knew that by being ourselves, we were actively hurting the education system we depended on to create new generations of actively contributing members and advancers of society? I write this article to communicate with all females who may be inadvertently inhibiting male achievement by leading them to make detrimental decisions like not paying attention in class, lacking the passion for a career, or even committing sexual assault. Remember: think twice before you entice.
