Ten Things You Need to Know to Understand Millennials

1. The night is young, and always on its phone.

2. It’s tacky to be late, so many people choose to wear a watch on their wrist, as the incessant ticking reminds the wearer of the limited beats of their heart and therefore the increasing entropy of the universe. This reminds them to arrive early.

3. It is essential to teach children basic rules of safety, such as not playing with matches, looking both ways before crossing the street, and distancing oneself from the proletariat revolution.

4. Additionally, once in possession of a child, it is expected to keep this child dry and maintained at roughly 98.6°F. It will be often expect to be fed up to three times a day, and may not be traded for a better model.

5. However, once eighteen years have passed, any offspring is no longer considered a child, and thus may be cast out from the home and made to fend for itself throughout the long winter.

6. Once turned out from the progenitorial home, a youth must begin the hard toil of unending work for the decaying promise of ascending to a higher social class.

7. The punishing rigors of capitalism bear down on the oppressed social classes. The proletariat have either the hard work of reform before them, or the poisonous balm of trusting in the powers that be that have corralled them into a tiny corner of economic woe and fiscal instability.

8. The heart wants what it wants. It wants a little help with the dishes.

9. The bourgeoisie successfully raise sympathy for their alleged woes, and are somehow elected president.

10. It's best to keep a stick of gum on hand to assuage the hungry youth.

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