Life seems to have a track -- a list of things that you check off and do as you get older. Go to college, get married, have kids, retire, and die. Well, some of us don't necessarily want that plan. Some of us really just don't want a certain part of that plan. Some of us don't want to get married, some of us never want to retire, and some of us just really don't want children. When you tell people you don't want children, they look at you like you have fifteen heads. Here's what you don't say to people who don't want children.

You’ll feel lonely and empty inside when you grow old with no children or grandchildren around.

Well, this one I just really don’t understand. I don’t have children at this current point in my life and I’m not lonely and empty inside. Sure, I’m not old, but even when I do get old, I’ll still have my family, friends, and hopefully a life partner that will keep me as happy and fulfilled as I am now. Also, dogs. I’ll have lots of dogs. No one can feel lonely and empty inside when you have a house full of dogs.

Don’t worry, you’ll change your mind.

You know, I really don’t think I’m going to. I have never adored children. I’ve never seen a freshly hatched fetus and thought, “Oh, look at the baby!” It’s more along the lines of, “Is it supposed to look like that?” I don’t coo when I see them or have any desire to make one or several a major part of my life. I’ll stick with my dogs.

There’s nothing more magical than having a child.

I can think of lots of things more magical. The Northern Lights, a summer sunrise, the look on a dog's face when you scratch his or her belly, Beyoncé's entire existence, the new "Star Wars" movie, Christmas lights, sunflowers, the song "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers, mermaids, Nicki Minaj’s body, red lipstick, and all you can eat shrimp for $4.99.

You won’t think children are gross when they’re your own.

Okay, that’s definitely not true. Kids are always going to be gross whether they’re your own or not. You’re telling me that if your kid sh*ts in the tub, then it’s not gross just because that kid stewed in your uterus for nine months? No, that’s always going to be gross. Baby vomit, dirty diapers, and uncontrollable drooling and dribbling will always be gross, even if that child were to belong to me.

But seriously, you’re going to change your mind.

Oh my god, why do you think you know me. We are two totally different people. Not everyone is meant to be a parent, and there are plenty of people who are parents who shouldn’t be. If I truly and honestly have no desire to be a parent, then there is nothing wrong or weird about that. While you’re popping out your thirteenth gremlin, I’ll be using all of the money I haven’t spent on children and putting in college funds to travel the world in style with my dogs. Have fun changing diapers while I’m sitting on a terrace in Italy sipping wine and eating cheese.

But being pregnant is the most beautiful thing in the world.

What part of gaining thirty pounds, morning sickness, cankles, and crying all of the time is beautiful? You know what’s beautiful? This little black dress that I can wear out with these beautiful maroon stilettos that my normal sized ankles can fit in.

Who’s going to give your parents grandchildren?

I didn’t promise them grandchildren. I have a sister. That can be her responsibility.