I'm a pretty outgoing person. I make friends easily and people feel like they can talk to me and share their secrets with me. That being said, I keep nearly everything to myself. It took me years to admit that I thought I might be depressed. It took me even longer to admit that I might have anxiety. I say a million things a day, but I somehow still manage to not say things I mean. I have a lot of self esteem issues and a lot of confidence problems. Unfortunately this hinders me from speaking my mind about a lot of things I really wish I could talk about. So here's my list for the things I wish that I was comfortable saying.
1. You're an asshole.
There are assholes everywhere. Sometimes they're people you overhear in a coffee shop. Sometimes they're your friends. Sometimes they're your family. Sometimes you're an asshole. I wish I was comfortable enough with myself as a person to be able to look someone in the eyes and flat out be able to tell them that they're an asshole.
2. You're being rude.
Similar to the last one, but not quite as harsh. Sometimes you need to look a person square in the eye and say, "Hey, dude, stop. You're being rude." Most people will stop after that. I don't really know a lot of people who try to be mean on purpose, but every once in awhile, we all need to say it.
3. I'm scared.
We live in a society that is hyper masculine society where showing emotion is seen as weak. I want to be able to tell people when I'm afraid. I don't want to be uncomfortable telling people that I'm scared of something--especially not something about my life. I feel like I'm more likely to tell people when I'm afraid of a horror movie than I am of telling people that I'm afraid of what my life is going to become.
4. I love myself.
I've never said this. Never outloud. Hardly ever in my own head. Sure, I have those days where I feel amazing and I'm feelin' myself, but I don't like myself more often than not. But I wish it was socially acceptable to speak aloud about how much I like myself. Any person who says, "God, I love myself!" is seen as selfish, egocentric, or narcissistic. I want the world to stop punishing people for being happy with who they are.
5. I love you.
Perhaps the hardest thing to say. I wish I was comfortable enough in myself as a person to be able to tell someone that I love them. I want to be secure enough in my own emotions and ego to not care what the person says back. I want to be able to say it to my family, to my friends, to potential partners. I want to be able to say this and have everyone else know that I mean it.
That being said, I could say all of these things. But I don't. I don't, because I'm terrified of what will happen if I do. I fill my head with scenarios and possibilities and I chicken out of saying things when I wish I could. I'm going to work on being more confident and feeling more secure in my own head so that I can be the type of honest person who truly says what they're feeling. I want to be this person. Some day, I hope I can be.
