After an incredibly long night of partying, I went back to my dorm room and fell asleep. I woke up at noon, ordered some food, and then immediately fell back asleep. At 3 pm, I woke up to a chain of messages from my mom. Usually, my mom isn't one to double text, so when I saw that she had, I got worried.

The text message started with, "Hey I just wanted to let you know that Sophie took a significant turn for the worse over the last couple of days, and this morning we took her to the vet and she was put to sleep."

There is no heartbreak more painful than the loss of a member of the family. Romantic partners will come and go, but dogs find a place in your heart that will never be replaced.

I never had the chance to tell Sophie goodbye. I wasn't consulted about the decision. I was just told she was gone. Sophie found her way into my life when I was in first grade. We had adopted a small corgi puppy that we named Patrick, we called him Patar after that one episode of Spongebob where they were cavemen. Patrick was a puppy that was full of energy and needed a playmate, so we knew that's what we had to do. There was a corgi puppy at a shelter that we wanted Patrick to meet before we adopted her. Her name was Autumn. Before the decision to adopt another dog, we had lost a blue healer named Jodie who had moved with me to 4 states. Patrick had grown accustomed to a name with an "ie" at the end of it. We all began to brainstorm ideas of what to call our new addition. When Autumn was brought to our house, I had never believed in love at first sight until that moment. My mom and I both decided that she would be a perfect companion to Patar and we adopted her. We decided on the name Sophie.

Sophie could be an absolute beast sometimes. She never had the chance to get socialized with other dogs aside from Patar, so she had kind of an aggressive attitude. She also took on the persona of the princess of the household. She hated having her feet touched, much like King Julian in Madagascar. If you don't recall, King Julian's associate, Mort, loved to touch King Julian's feet and every time Mort would try, King Julian would scream, "NO NOT THE FEET."

If there was one thing Sophie loved more than being the princess, it was eating things she wasn't supposed to. I recall there was a time when my aunt left her bag on the ground for just a second and came back to Sophie digging her snout around in there. Sophie had managed to eat an entire package of cigarettes. From that day forward, it became an on going joke in my family that nothing could kill this dog. Sophie would eat chocolate and all my friends would freak out and one of us in the family would respond with, "If a full pack of cigarettes didn't kill her, nothing will." Sophie would eat anything. She ate a two pound Reese's cup egg I got for Easter, she bit part of Patrick's ear off over a piece of pizza crust, and she would occasionally eat shit she would find in the yard. She was nasty, but she was family. Since Patrick had a Spongebob nickname, Sophie needed one too. She was given Squidward's caveman name: Squag.

Around late 2017, Patar couldn't really walk anymore. He couldn't really see and could hardly hear you if you called his name. Every time he would lay down, I would always make sure he was still breathing. Eventually, Patar's condition got so bad, we knew it was unfair to him to keep him alive when he couldn't move on his own anymore. As hard as it was to see him leave, it was harder to watch him in pain everyday.

Once Patar was put down, it took Sophie a few days to notice. Once she had noticed, I could feel her attitude change. She always seemed sad and she wasn't eating anymore. Sophie began developing similar things to Patar. It started with losing movement in her back legs. Then she really became the princess because we had to carry her everywhere. Then she began urinating and pooping herself. She had to be bathed everyday because she kept peeing all over herself and she would smell awful. At Christmas, we carried her up the stairs and put her in the living room with us and my dad said it was most likely going to be her last one. That hadn't registered with me. I was so focused on getting all seven seasons of Game of Thrones. Sophie slept with me every night. She would sleep on the end of my bed and absently would lick the sheets.

When I left to go back to school, I forgot to say goodbye to Sophie. I got on the plane and that was that, I had no idea that would have been the last time I would see her small chubby body.

My mom told me Sophie had been incompetent, had developed heart arrhythmia (improper beating of the heart), and other issues that could not be treated. When I read the text message, it didn't register. I sat and stared at that message. With technology, receiving news almost doesn't feel real. But the more I sat and stared at that message, the more tears welled up in my eyes. I hadn't told Sophie goodbye.

I wish I had told Sophie that as annoying as her bizarre foot fetish was, I secretly liked it because she would always lick my feet and it would tickle. I wish Sophie knew that I always loved when she would sleep in bed with me. I really wish I had told Sophie how much she meant to me in the 14 years she was apart of my heart.

But most importantly, I wish I had told Sophie that I loved her so much. I always told her she was a good girl, even when she wasn't, but I never said that I loved her. I also hope she knows I really didn't think her name was Squag. I called her that all the time, but I never really thought that was her name.

So, because I didn't get to say goodbye to her physically, this is my goodbye to my dog and all the things I wish I had told her.

Rest easy, Squag. Have fun up there with Patar. I will see you both soon.