Silent. Head-down. Nod.
One foot in front of the other. Breathe.
Don't say too much.
It's a coping mechanism for me. Silent is bold. But, bold, would have been saying what I wanted to when I had the chance to say it. Bold is not blowing your chance at letting someone know how you feel. Bold — I wanted to be bold — but I was everything but. I stayed silent. Hurting on the inside, wanting to beg and plead, yet incredibly thankful that you gave me a chance to talk one more time.
Scared to come off clingy, worried of making you feel more guilty, and closed-off so I wouldn't show my true feelings, I didn't get the closure that I wanted — even though you were nice enough to give me the opportunity. True closure would have been letting you know how I truly felt about you, since I was too scared to show it while we were seeing each other it. It would have been showing you the real me, letting you know all the things I should have told you before, and asking all the questions I had burning in the back of my mind. Closure. That would have been closure.
Although I wish that closure didn't have to happen, I guess it does. So here it goes.
1. Yes, it sucked
Although you asked me countless times how I was actually doing with it or how it actually made me feel, I couldn't find the courage to tell you that it sucks, and that it does actually hurt. I put on my tough face; my protective face. I didn't want to tell you that I was hurt because I didn't want you to feel bad about doing what you thought was the right thing to do. It sounded like you were already hurt, and I didn't want to make it worse. Not only that, but I didn't want to look like a fool for being hurt over something that was so short lived.
2. I should have asked you how YOU are
I mean, I did ask you how you were doing — over and over. But I should have asked more. I should have kept asking until I got a truthful answer. Clearly not everything was, or is, rainbows and butterflies if this is where we're standing now. I wish I would have asked until I got a genuine answer.
3. I wish I was more "me" around you
I wish I would've let my guard down and let you see who I truly am. I'm just too insecure with who I really am, that when I meet new people, I have to act like a perfectly put together housewife, one who doesn't know how to not take life too seriously. Sure, that's part of me, but that's not the majority. I laugh, make jokes, have dance parties in a cornfield, jam out to music a little too much in my car, and make sex jokes at all the wrong times. I think you would've liked that side of me. I'm sorry I was too shy and scared to show it — I didn't want to let another person in, just to get hurt again.
4. I had a lot of questions
A lot of questions, and I maybe only asked four. Is there another girl? Was it because I wasn't affectionate enough? (I am very affectionate, I just didn't want to be too pushy or accidentally go too fast and scare you off). Were you bored? Since all we ever did was watch movies?
There's some things I wish I got the answer to, but other's, I find content in the words you did give me.
5. I wanted to beg you to stay
I did. I really did. I know it looked like I didn't care, but I did. I would have begged you to stay.. but that's not my style. I won't — I can't — beg someone to stay if I knew that they would be more happy gone. I'm not that selfish. I believe in people doing what they believe is best and will benefit them best; I believe when you care about someone, you care about wanting to make them happy no matter how it makes you feel. So yes, I wanted to beg you to stay — I want you to stay or comeback, or whatever it would be called. The door is always open for you.
6. Thank you
Thank you for agreeing to talk with me, even though you didn't have to. Thank you for being so caring and truly wondering how I was actually doing because you weren't going to accept the front that I was putting on. Thank you for being so geniunely sweet and caring these past two months and for letting me enjoy the time I did get with you. Thank you for being a true gentleman, because they don't come around often. Thank for allowing me the two months. I am very grateful.
7. How amazing you actually are, because I feel like I never told you
You truly are an amazing human being, and it showed with how much you cared about how I was doing after the fact; it showed with the fact that you were willing to take time out of your day to talk to me in person, even though we weren't seeing each other for very long. You were very sweet and accepting of anything I told you. You didn't ask me to stop hanging out with my guys friends or roll your eyes at the sound of them, and I appreciate that more than words can express. You are such a sweet, caring, and understanding man and I was extremely lucky to even get a shot with you.
8. My favorite things about you
The way you sang in the car and aren't afraid to be goofy — like when you showed off a double chin like it was your best asset. The smirk and grin you do that's just so adorable. I can't get enough of it. Or the fact that you make talking about the nerdiest of subjects so interesting and cute — the most boring of subjects, like early hominids, I could listen to you talk about all day.
I love that you love sushi and, oddly enough, one of my favorite things is when you talked about the salad your mom makes that you love. I so enjoyed listening to your childhood stories and about all your friends, and that sheepish laugh you do when you tell a memory that brings you back.
9. You deserve someone SO very good
You do. You truly do. You are so kind and sweet, and oh so very gentle. You tell it like it is and you're brave enough to have these tough conversations in person. You're smart and thorough. I could go on and on about why you deserve someone so very good, but I think this describes article says it all.
10. I cared even if I didn't show it
I cared. I really did. I promise I'm not heartless. Not only does it just come natural for me to bury away my feelings and act untouched, but I also did it for the sake of you. I know that it probably wasn't easy for you to have this talk with me or to tell me these things to begin with, so I didn't want you to feel worse about it than you already probably did. I know you already felt guilty and I didn't want to make you feel worse. But, since I'm being honest, I really did care and it really did hurt.
11. I wanted that hug
I wanted that hug. I was just too deep into thought because I didn't want to say "goodbye" quiet yet. I wanted to keep talking, I still had so much left to say. I was so deep into thought that I was caught off guard and I'm sorry, I feel like an asshole. Thank you for the hug; I wanted it. I wish I would have hugged back.
12. I wanted to walk longer
I wanted to walk longer because I wanted more time with you. I wanted more time, maybe so I could work up the courage to say how I was actually feeling, but more so because I just didn't want you to leave. I didn't want our last time seeing each other to end. I like your company and I wanted to keep it. I wanted to walk around and talk about life, make random conversation, and just talk like we used to — because I always did love just talking to you and the conversations we had.
13. I hope we can remain friends
I hope we can remain friends because I would miss our conversations. I thoroughly just enjoyed talking with you, laughing, and hanging out, and I hope that won't stop now. Even if we weren't as close, I do hope you know that you can come to me for anything, any time. I'm always an open ear and willing to help when you need to rant, scream, or just get away. I hope you'll let me be a friend.
Know there's always a spot waiting for you. You're one of a kind.
I truly do hope that life is going well for you. I genuinely hope that us ending things has made you happier and more free, free to experience your freshman year of college the way that you should. I hope that life is treating you well, and you always know where to find me if you ever do need me.