When my ex and I broke up, I was convinced he'd always be in my life yet as it turns out, it didn't happen that way. Now him and I aren't even friends, which 365 days out of the year is a total blessing. Yet, sometimes I wonder about him and think about the closure I never got. This saddens me as there is no way to reach out to him and try to mend the bridge that's burned between us. I wish I could check in and see what's going on in his life. I find myself wondering if he graduated from grad school yet. I wonder what his plans are post university. I wonder how the clubs he was/ is involved in are going. I wonder if he's still friends with the same people he was when we were dating. I wonder how him and his girlfriend are doing. But these are things, I'll never know the answer to.
Mostly, I'm okay with speculating the answers as I find it's not really my business as his ex-girlfriend to know such matters. But sometimes, memories of him that I have gained from the time we dated come creeping back to me. Just today, I was reminded of the time I left a bottle of wine in his room and how after we broke up, him and his friend tried to drink it but it had gone bad. It's the little un-important things that crop up the most. It's things that don't bring me any emotion thinking about yet it's still a memory I'd rather not remember years later. These memories are of a simpler time, when I was younger and more naive. These memories are a reminder of the girl I used to be and sometimes, I'm envious of her. Not because she was with the boy I used to love more than life itself, but because she lived life to the fullest and never worried about the future in front of her. I miss that girl. But I am also proud of the woman I've become and the memories I've made sense that relationship and time in my life. I'm proud of all the hardships that the breakup brought me because it made me a stronger person. It also made me a more loving person as I learned envy and anger never lead to anything good. I'm proud I found the inner strength to graduate college and seek the therapy I needed to get over the most difficult time in my life. And while I'm terrified of what the future brings as I face the job market, I know if I can get over my ex I can get through anything. I'm grateful for my ex, even the fabricated version of him that is in my mind, because he made me a better person. It's that better person who is dating the kindest human I've ever met and I'm so grateful for that.
My love has made me the happiest I've ever been, yet I find myself wondering if I'll remember little things about him too if we ever split up for some reason. I imagine I would as my boyfriend now has had a much bigger impact in my life than my previous one. I wonder what memories will be locked in my brain if that time ever came. I wonder if I'd remember his family too or just him. I wonder if I'd remember the real version of him, the one I am undeniably in love with, or just a fabricated version of him. With my ex, I know the memories I have of him are a little hazy. I know I've created a fabricated version of him that is nothing like who he really was. I wonder if he suddenly showed back up in my life if I'd even recognize him. I realize I probably wouldn't. And that's okay.
I know it's not important for my ex and I to ever get along because I don't need him in my life to live a happy, fulfilled, and successful life. Yet, I do hope that these memories that are trapped in my brain will fade with time. I hope I never have to find out what memories of my boyfriend now will be remembered as I hope we are never apart. I hope that the emptiness I feel for my ex will never be a feeling I feel toward my boyfriend. I hope my ex sometimes thinks of me in this fabricated sense as I don't want to be the only one. But if he doesn't, I'd understand. But above all else, I hope these memories will always remind me of a time in my life which made me the stronger and better person that I am today. Memories of my ex don't have to be a bad thing as he changed my life for the better, whether he knows that or not. Thank you mate, I don't know how I'll ever repay him for that.
