"We broke up."

The resulting shock lasted for only a moment,

One of just five seconds,

Probably more had I let it,

But it was still there –

Even if a part of me deep down –

A part I didn't fully trust –

Already knew,

If only for an inkling.

This was the answer I was expecting –

Half-expecting –

Once I finally came upon the perfect excuse to text you,

To see how you were doing during these "uncertain times,"

Both of you –

After seeing your FB photo change,

From the two of you

To just a close-up of you –

From the same photo.

You weren't willing to talk about it,

So I didn't press you on it,

But that doesn't stop my curiosity from running away with a mind of its own,

From running through the possibilities –

All the possible reasons how this could've happened –

To a couple who's been together seven years –

With one main reason standing out amongst the rest:

Me.

My better sense reminded me otherwise,

That the reason for this couldn't be me –

At least of late –

That it had to be due somewhat to what the current reality for all of us is right now.

(I did ask you if this was the case,

But I do still remember your answer,

So I will have to respect your boundaries and hold off from further questions.)

But no matter the reason,

For the way things are with you two now,

That doesn't change the way things were for us then:

It doesn't add to or take away all the feelings I had then –

From seven years back when my affection for you grew,

Despite (and maybe even because of) your being with her at that time –

That which was still green,

Still brand-new –

To when the distance between us grew –

To no true fault of your own but still –

To which after several failed attempts I in the end submitted and relinquished that hope of us,

Those old feelings having been tainted, diluted, and numbed,

Most of which having had faded away overtime.

I tried my best to keep my distance,

Especially when after a week's worth of reaching out to you three years back when I needed you,

She reached out to me to stop and I reluctantly complied,

Though most of me –

Despite all that went against me –

Still wanted to reconnect:

To recreate what we once had in the friendship we had started seven years ago.

But now with the obstacle that had been blocking the light of that hope out of the way,

I don't know where we stand,

Or if that light still shines brightly for us anymore.

The window of opportunity for us is now open –

But is it really?

My recovery from all that and more is still far from over,

As I'm now in the midst of exploring who I am and where I'm going –

Eventually –

And you have your own life out and about in the midst of right now.

(God willing you make it out okay every day.)

Part of me still wonders if –

Still wishes that –

We would've had something had I noticed you then when you were still there within my reach,

Had I been there by your side years before and felt that way about you then,

And had I gotten up the courage to tell you what I had been feeling for you…

There's still that less than ten percent that's asking "What if?" and demanding more –

But it still doesn't magically change how you feel about me or think about what could be for us,

Or resurrect the sparks I once had for you and only you…

It could with time, but I can't always count on it to.

You need time to heal and to focus on yourself – as do I for myself,

And I am more than willing to give that to you as I am to myself and then some –

You two were together for seven years.

I am more than willing to back up a bit before…

Before…

Before I'll know for sure whether to make that first move,

The first thing I need to do is make up my mind – and my heart.