As I sit down to write this article on Thursday, I scroll through my media feeds like always and inevitably see a picture or status with the term "tbt" posted in its caption. The idea of a "throwback Thursday" always seemed kind of foreign to me, because for me, the past was something I never wanted to return to.
One of my favorite books when I was little was "The Ugly Duckling." As someone who wasn't the most popular growing up, it felt good for me to hear that someone who wasn't necessarily the best at anything, got to be the center of attention. There was always one pressing question I had at the end of the story, though. How does the ugly duckling learn how to act like a swan? All it's known before was rejection, how is the duckling able to move forward? This dilemma relates back to my own issues with self-image. Back in elementary, middle, and even high school, I took on attributes that were less than amicable and honestly produced crippling self-doubt. The feeling that no one would really ever accept me combined with my ever-present trust issues in order to form a sort of emotional barrier I held up between myself and others. I felt like I was the ugly duckling, lost and yearning for connection. These feelings of isolation crumbled once I left what I had known for 18 years. Coming from a very tight-knit performing arts community in high school to a much less restrictive social environment at York was very unfamiliar to me. Most of the people I met, initially were as accepting of me as I was of them and that was better than what I could have ever imagined.
Being at York has allowed me to come into my own skin, to metaphorically become the swan I was supposed to grow into. Having people tell me now that I'm a person that they want to be around makes all the embarrassment, harassment, anxiety and psychological torture I went through worth it. However, moving forward socially was kind of difficult for me at first because I wasn't used to being someone people liked. I look in the mirror now and sometimes I can still see the person that is in the photo above, but I realize now that he was just a stepping stone to get me to where I stand now. I figured I wasn't the only person who had come to this realization upon leaving home. I talked to a lot of people in my life, including my Assistant Pledge Master, Jason Rinaldi, and I think he put the growth that people who suffer from "ugly duckling syndrome" have to go through, saying, "I mean I kinda look back at my middle school self and go 'wow that was really not me'". I think in middle school most people kind of do anything they can just so they fit in. But later in high school and college you start to realize what your beliefs truly are, and learn not to care about what people from the outside looking in think... a great quote I like is, "Do what you want because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind..." I think that quote really gives everyone the idea to ignore negative perspectives from others.
Essentially, Jason is right. I had to learn how to accept the mistakes I had made and forgive myself for the person I was. I am still learning to love the person I am now, but the support of my friends makes it easier. I think that accepting the past and benefiting from its lessons is the best way to keep yourself from repeating them. I'm glad I was given the opportunities to learn that for myself.
