The Truth: You Never Stop Loving Your First Love

The Truth: You Never Stop Loving Your First Love


Your first love is weird. You think it’s going to last forever, but it only lasts in a matter of seconds strung out into elongated moments. And then it ends, just like that. When I was sixteen it seemed simple to me; I was young and naive and I had more faith in romantic indie films and holding hands than you would ever believe.

At a first glance, it seemed infinite. But looking back after these past six years, I can see it for how it really was – and that’s kind of sad. I’m not wise and I’m not old. I’m a 21-year-old college student, but I do know what it’s like to fall in love and still cling onto those moments because there is just too much history to push aside. I can’t do something like that.

Nobody can, even if you are a superhuman or whatever. In the end, we all obtain the same basic emotion, the kind that lingers inside of us and still manages to seep out even in our most vulnerable times.

I’ve been doing this a lot lately. Thinking about love, reminiscing on my previous boyfriends, contemplating the idea about who I’m going to end up with next. I’m content with being where I am right now, and that is living a completely secular lifestyle. But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder . . . and that is because the root cause is lead back to my first love. Oh, first love. I hate you so much sometimes.

I think about you here and there throughout my day, at night, or when I’m awake at two in the morning listening to something that we used to talk about and get excited over. I’m not trying to live in a fantasy, and it’s not as if I haven’t attempted to move on. I have come exceptionally far and I am so proud of myself. In the past year and a half, I’ve gone on dates, I’ve kissed other guys, I’ve gone on new adventures, even turned guys down because I knew I deserved better.

I never rebounded to anyone or anything or looked for comfort in beings materialistically. I just lived my life the way that anyone would after their first love disappeared into thin air. But I guess, the thing is, you didn’t really dissolve into thin air. You merely left with obvious intentions, and with me sitting on my bed staring in complete confusion. And that didn’t matter. You made it clear that you wanted to keep me away, keep us away, and that’s what exactly happened.

When you have a first love, there is no way in getting rid of that. Your first love will be your first love until you die, and that is both a blessing and a curse. I think it’s a blessing because there is some sort of silver lining to claiming a good memory or two – or millions. When you’re comfortable enough, you can be humble about it, have a light laugh and then move on with your day.

But I get really melancholy sometimes because I remember that they have this hold on me. It’s not permanent, but the boy who hurt me a consecutive amount of times, and in the worst ways ever – will be my first love. There is no escaping it and that scares me a little. Even though we are miles apart and we no longer speak, I feel as though he has this claim on me. I can really let go if I want to, and that’s what people say.

However, if you’ve never fallen in love, you won’t understand. It’s not that simple. You can’t just “let go” completely. It’s not just a “somebody” that you mindlessly dated for a few months before you broke up. This was your best friend. This was your deliciously wonderful, powerful romance of all romances. I’m sorry, but nobody can take that away.

Again – a beautiful blessing, and such a cruel curse.

I used to be so hard on myself, and I still am. You’re surrounded by signs, books, the social media, movies, even people – to move on and just live your life without always looking back. Live in the moment, why don’t you? So when it all ended, and my feelings for him still lingered, I would scold myself and after a year, I figured that there must have been something wrong with me. Either I wasn’t trying hard enough to let go, that I was psychotic, or that I was just really really attached and a sensitive human being. While all of those are false except one, it was very normal to feel what I was feeling.

“I don’t understand why I think about him”.
“I don’t understand why I see him almost everywhere in at least one thing each day”.
“I don’t understand why I dream about him. We’ve been broken up for years”.

Those are the things that I would think about, and they would consume me. I just wanted to be happy and move on, and genuinely smile like those young women you would see in those chick flicks after a break up. The part where they, y’know, find themselves’? I knew that in real life, it was going to be harder than that. But I didn’t realize that I would still be dreaming about him in my sleep at age 21, after not communicating for over a year. I feel like such a broken record. I daydream, contemplate, whatever, and the old sepia pictures play in my head- snapping like a camera through all of the good times. I wish that I didn't have such a vivid memory, because the details of it make it that much more consuming. But these days, it's become more tolerable. It has become so consistent that I don't even think of it as a shock anymore - the think about him from time to time. It's become a regular part of my thought process . . . and that's kind of embarrassing to admit. But whatever. I guess I'm starting to come to a point that it's normal to think about someone who was a part of your life for six years and truly made an impact on your teenage and young adult days. I just kept convincing myself that there was something extremely wrong with me, because you sits and pines over someone who hurt you so many times? And who thinks about an ex boyfriend who you haven't communicated with in over a year? And then my friend told me the obvious:

“You never stop loving your first love”.
“I hate this. I don’t like this. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep having dreams though? He probably doesn’t dream about me…”
“Maybe he does. I wouldn’t doubt that he does”.
“Because you’re wonderful and he was lucky to love you”.

And then I went on talking about how he didn’t love me because if you love someone, you don’t give up on them so easily, and so many times for that matter. But either way, it made sense. You really never do stop loving your first – and for me, I naturally love hard. I kind of already knew this, but there is something about having someone say it to you to actually understand it. I loved him. Maybe it’s also because I’ve never had a first love before – obviously – and this was brand new to me. I had the first love, and that was all brand new. And now, now that’s it’s all done, I’m experiencing the part where I have to endure life reminiscing about my first love and question why I think about him all the time. And the times where he was so horrible to me in the mental aspect of things. My family and my best friends saw what kind of pain he put me through, and wondered how he could have been so foolish to do such a thing. Then there was the part where I was foolish into wanting his love so desperately again, through all the times he broke me down. You think "Why do you still love him then?" and I would say back "I just do". There's no way in erasing those genuine moments that were stitched in between those heartbreaking moments of disappointment and anguish. Not everything was horrible, and I can't help but scan back on the times where he told me that he loved me, and that he wanted to get an apartment with me with two dogs, and we watched movies all the time and ate pizza rolls 'til we were bloated, and went to all those high school dances together. I can't just ignore all of that - for me, there was something there. Something strong . . . for me, anyway. You can't escape love. It is what it is. I know none of it makes sense, and it probably doesn't make sense that I'm writing this today. But there's this clarity in it - in a first love.

And then it’s there: You just never stop.

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9 Eligible Princes You Need To Know About Now That Prince Harry Is Off The Market

You too could have a Meghan Markle fairytale

Prince Harry's royal wedding is officially over and there won't be another British royal wedding for quite some time now, as Prince George is way too young to start thinking about that. Fortunately, there are plenty of other countries with plenty of other princes that are still eligible bachelors at the moment. Lucky for you, I did my research and compiled a list of all the eligible princes you need to know about know that Prince Harry has tied the knot with Meghan Markle.

1. Prince Louis of Luxembourg (31)

Prince Louis is the third son of the Grand Duke Henri and Duchess Maria Theresa of Luxembourg. He has recently become a bachelor again after his separation with his wife of 10 years, Princess Tessy.

Fun Fact: He graduated from Richmond, The American International University of London with a BA in Communications. He can also speak Luxembourgish (the fact that's even a language is fun fact by itself), French, German, and English fluently.

2. Prince Sebastien of Luxembourg (26)

Prince Sebastien is the youngest child of the Grand Duke Henri and Duchess Maria Theresa of Luxembourg, so if you marry him, you'll probably never actually be queen because he's pretty far removed from the throne. However, he's relatively young and single, so best of luck.

Fun Fact: For some bizarre reason, this prince actually went to college in Ohio. He played rugby and graduated from Franciscan University of Steubenville in 2015. Now, he is back in his home country and is an officer in the Luxembourg Army.

3. Prince Phillipos of Greece and Denmark (34)

You read that correctly, Prince Phillipos is the prince of not one, but two countries. He is the youngest son of King Constantine and Queen Anne Marie of Greece and Denmark. Unfortunately, Greece abolished their monarchy, so he's a prince in name only there.

Fun Fact: Like Prince Sebastien, Prince Phillipos also went to college in the United States. He earned his B.A. in foreign relations from Georgetown University in 2008. Fortunately, for us American girls, he is actually still living in the US and he works in New York City as an analyst at Ortelius Capital.

4. Prince Albert of Thurn and Taxis (34)

Ever heard of Thurn and Taxis? No? Me neither. Anyways, Prince Albert is from the House of Thurn and Taxis, which is essentially a very old German aristocratic family. He is the son of Prince Johannes XI of Thurn and Taxis and Countess Gloria of Schonburg Glauchau. His family is well known for their breweries and castles, so unless you're gluten-free, you can't really complain.

Fun Fact: He's not just a prince. He's also a racecar driver and 10 years ago he was ranked 11th on Forbes Magazine's List of The 20 Hottest Young Royals.

5. Prince Mateen of Brunei (26)

Prince Mateen is basically like all the guys you already know, except he's royalty. He's the prince of Brunei, which is a small country on the island of Borneo, south of Vietnam. He is one of the five sons of Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah, and he also has seven sisters. Maybe that's a little different than the guys you know, but one thing he takes very seriously, just like most frat guys, is his Instagram.

Fun Fact: Mateen enjoys playing polo, flying in his private plane, cuddling cute wild animals, and keeping up his Insta game with 890k followers. You can follow him @tmski.

6. Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum of Dubai (35)

Sheikh Hamdan also has a killer Instagram with 6.3 million followers. Anyways, Sheikh Hamdan is the billionaire crown prince of Dubai and the second son of Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, who is the prime minister of the United Arab Emirates and essentially the king of Dubai (Emir). He's actually next in line for the throne because his older brother died in 2015.

Fun Fact: Hamdan's hobbies include skydiving, zip lining, and diving, just to name a few, so if you're an adrenaline junkie, Sheikh Hamdan is the prince for you.

7. Prince Hussein of Jordan (23)

Prince Hussain is the son of the extremely beautiful, Queen Rania and Abdullah II of Jordan and next in line for the Jordanian throne. At 23, he's already a second lieutenant in the Jordanian Armed Forces and he was the youngest person ever to chair a UN Security Council Meeting

Fun Fact: Like Prince Phillippos, Prince Hussain also graduated from Georgetown University in Washington D.C.. Also, like Prince Mateen and Prince Hamdan, he's Insta famous with 1.3 million followers and you can follow him @alhusseinjo.

8. Prince Constantine-Alexios of Greece and Denmark (19)

Like Prince Phillipos, Prince Constantine-Alexios also has two countries. Lucky for us though, he is also living in the US right now attending Georgetown University in Washington D.C. (like pretty much every other prince, amirite?) He is the oldest son of Crown Princess Marie-Chantal and Crown Prince Pavlos of Greece.

Fun Fact: He's Prince William's godson, so that's pretty neat. However, if that wasn't cool enough, you might like to know that this Greek/Danish prince was actually born in New York. Oh yeah, you can also follow him on Instagram @alexiosgreece where he has 88.7k followers.

9. Prince Joachim of Belgium (26)

Prince Joachim of Belgium, Archduke of Austria-Este is the third child of Lorenz, Archduke of Austria-Este and Princess Astrid of Belgium. Although he bears the title, "Prince of Belgium," he is also Archduke of Austria-Este, Prince Royal of Hungary and Bohemia, and Prince of Modena. Unfortunately, he'll probably never actually be king in any of these countries as he is ninth in line to the Belgian throne.

Fun Fact: Prince Joachim has degrees in economics, management, and finance, but he decided to join the Nautical School in Brugge after completing college and is currently an officer in the Belgian Navy.

Hope is not lost for all you girls dreaming of finding a Prince Charming that's literally a prince. After reviewing the data, my best advice is to transfer to Georgetown where princes are basically around every corner.

Cover Image Credit: @meghantheduchessofsussexstyle/Instagram

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Your Favorite Rapper/Abuser/Homophobe Died And I'm Indifferent

Supporting abusers, racists, and sexual predators makes you look bad.


On Monday afternoon, a video was released showing rapper Xxxtentacion shot dead in his car after shopping for motorcycles in Florida. The video and announcement of his death came swiftly to social media, followed by outcries of sadness and anger. Social media users quickly divided themselves up into fans who were devastated by the death and those indifferent to his death because of his extremely violent nature.

I'm one of the latter.

When Xxx died, he was in the middle of a lawsuit from 2016 in which he disgustingly abused his pregnant ex-girlfriend. After physically and emotionally abusing her throughout the year, he finds out she is pregnant and beats her so terribly that he sees it necessary to lock her in a bedroom and wait for her face to heal before he takes her to the hospital. While I spared the gory details, her account of the abuse is horrifying.

If abusing women isn't enough for you, Xxx also admitted to beating a man within an inch of his life while he was in juvenile detention because he "thought he was gay." He then smeared the beaten man's blood all over his hands and face as if he enjoyed the violence.

As accounts of this violence arose, Xxx's music grew and it seemed as if the violence was fueling the popularity of his music. His abusive behavior went hand in hand with his career; there was never a moment where his fans did not know the extent of his crimes.

So, to hear people say that he was "too young to die" or to "respect the dead" is ridiculous and harmful for the victims he traumatized. Death is never a good thing, but supporting someone into their grave that was violently homophobic and misogynistic shows a lack of humanity and speaks volumes about our society today.

Our society excuses an artist or influencer's crimes simply because of their talent. It puts the value of entertainment above sexual assault, abuse, racism, and homophobia. It eradicates the importance of the victims and their feelings, along with any future incidents the artist might commit.

It speaks even more to the idea of the victim in our society. Despite the trauma the victim has gone through, the perpetrator is often given the victim complex. Excuses arise to shed the perp in a better light; she was dressed promiscuously, he was an orphan with a rough childhood, he was reaching for his wallet but he may have been reaching for a gun.

We've all heard it before.

When will the victim be free to heal and seek justice without the idea that it may have been their fault?

Your favorite rapper beat two people within an inch of their lives but because he creates "bops," you're still going to support him? Your favorite singer put his hands around another singer's throat and beat her black and blue, but because it was nine years ago he should finally be given a break? Your favorite actor sexually assaults countless co-stars, belittling them and traumatizing them, but you want to separate their work from their crimes?

I didn't want Xxxtentacion to die, but I will not be mourning his death. His fans are cowards who are unwilling to stand up for victims of abuse and violence. If you feel differently, maybe you should look within before you speak out.

Cover Image Credit:

@xxxtentacion / Instagram

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