The Truth: You Never Stop Loving Your First Love

The Truth: You Never Stop Loving Your First Love


Your first love is weird. You think it’s going to last forever, but it only lasts in a matter of seconds strung out into elongated moments. And then it ends, just like that. When I was sixteen it seemed simple to me; I was young and naive and I had more faith in romantic indie films and holding hands than you would ever believe.

At a first glance, it seemed infinite. But looking back after these past six years, I can see it for how it really was – and that’s kind of sad. I’m not wise and I’m not old. I’m a 21-year-old college student, but I do know what it’s like to fall in love and still cling onto those moments because there is just too much history to push aside. I can’t do something like that.

Nobody can, even if you are a superhuman or whatever. In the end, we all obtain the same basic emotion, the kind that lingers inside of us and still manages to seep out even in our most vulnerable times.

I’ve been doing this a lot lately. Thinking about love, reminiscing on my previous boyfriends, contemplating the idea about who I’m going to end up with next. I’m content with being where I am right now, and that is living a completely secular lifestyle. But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder . . . and that is because the root cause is lead back to my first love. Oh, first love. I hate you so much sometimes.

I think about you here and there throughout my day, at night, or when I’m awake at two in the morning listening to something that we used to talk about and get excited over. I’m not trying to live in a fantasy, and it’s not as if I haven’t attempted to move on. I have come exceptionally far and I am so proud of myself. In the past year and a half, I’ve gone on dates, I’ve kissed other guys, I’ve gone on new adventures, even turned guys down because I knew I deserved better.

I never rebounded to anyone or anything or looked for comfort in beings materialistically. I just lived my life the way that anyone would after their first love disappeared into thin air. But I guess, the thing is, you didn’t really dissolve into thin air. You merely left with obvious intentions, and with me sitting on my bed staring in complete confusion. And that didn’t matter. You made it clear that you wanted to keep me away, keep us away, and that’s what exactly happened.

When you have a first love, there is no way in getting rid of that. Your first love will be your first love until you die, and that is both a blessing and a curse. I think it’s a blessing because there is some sort of silver lining to claiming a good memory or two – or millions. When you’re comfortable enough, you can be humble about it, have a light laugh and then move on with your day.

But I get really melancholy sometimes because I remember that they have this hold on me. It’s not permanent, but the boy who hurt me a consecutive amount of times, and in the worst ways ever – will be my first love. There is no escaping it and that scares me a little. Even though we are miles apart and we no longer speak, I feel as though he has this claim on me. I can really let go if I want to, and that’s what people say.

However, if you’ve never fallen in love, you won’t understand. It’s not that simple. You can’t just “let go” completely. It’s not just a “somebody” that you mindlessly dated for a few months before you broke up. This was your best friend. This was your deliciously wonderful, powerful romance of all romances. I’m sorry, but nobody can take that away.

Again – a beautiful blessing, and such a cruel curse.

I used to be so hard on myself, and I still am. You’re surrounded by signs, books, the social media, movies, even people – to move on and just live your life without always looking back. Live in the moment, why don’t you? So when it all ended, and my feelings for him still lingered, I would scold myself and after a year, I figured that there must have been something wrong with me. Either I wasn’t trying hard enough to let go, that I was psychotic, or that I was just really really attached and a sensitive human being. While all of those are false except one, it was very normal to feel what I was feeling.

“I don’t understand why I think about him”.
“I don’t understand why I see him almost everywhere in at least one thing each day”.
“I don’t understand why I dream about him. We’ve been broken up for years”.

Those are the things that I would think about, and they would consume me. I just wanted to be happy and move on, and genuinely smile like those young women you would see in those chick flicks after a break up. The part where they, y’know, find themselves’? I knew that in real life, it was going to be harder than that. But I didn’t realize that I would still be dreaming about him in my sleep at age 21, after not communicating for over a year. I feel like such a broken record. I daydream, contemplate, whatever, and the old sepia pictures play in my head- snapping like a camera through all of the good times. I wish that I didn't have such a vivid memory, because the details of it make it that much more consuming. But these days, it's become more tolerable. It has become so consistent that I don't even think of it as a shock anymore - the think about him from time to time. It's become a regular part of my thought process . . . and that's kind of embarrassing to admit. But whatever. I guess I'm starting to come to a point that it's normal to think about someone who was a part of your life for six years and truly made an impact on your teenage and young adult days. I just kept convincing myself that there was something extremely wrong with me, because you sits and pines over someone who hurt you so many times? And who thinks about an ex boyfriend who you haven't communicated with in over a year? And then my friend told me the obvious:

“You never stop loving your first love”.
“I hate this. I don’t like this. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep having dreams though? He probably doesn’t dream about me…”
“Maybe he does. I wouldn’t doubt that he does”.
“Because you’re wonderful and he was lucky to love you”.

And then I went on talking about how he didn’t love me because if you love someone, you don’t give up on them so easily, and so many times for that matter. But either way, it made sense. You really never do stop loving your first – and for me, I naturally love hard. I kind of already knew this, but there is something about having someone say it to you to actually understand it. I loved him. Maybe it’s also because I’ve never had a first love before – obviously – and this was brand new to me. I had the first love, and that was all brand new. And now, now that’s it’s all done, I’m experiencing the part where I have to endure life reminiscing about my first love and question why I think about him all the time. And the times where he was so horrible to me in the mental aspect of things. My family and my best friends saw what kind of pain he put me through, and wondered how he could have been so foolish to do such a thing. Then there was the part where I was foolish into wanting his love so desperately again, through all the times he broke me down. You think "Why do you still love him then?" and I would say back "I just do". There's no way in erasing those genuine moments that were stitched in between those heartbreaking moments of disappointment and anguish. Not everything was horrible, and I can't help but scan back on the times where he told me that he loved me, and that he wanted to get an apartment with me with two dogs, and we watched movies all the time and ate pizza rolls 'til we were bloated, and went to all those high school dances together. I can't just ignore all of that - for me, there was something there. Something strong . . . for me, anyway. You can't escape love. It is what it is. I know none of it makes sense, and it probably doesn't make sense that I'm writing this today. But there's this clarity in it - in a first love.

And then it’s there: You just never stop.

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35 Major Life Facts According To Nick Miller

"All booze is good booze, unless it's weak booze."

Fact: If you watch "New Girl," you love Nick Miller.

You can't help it. He's an adorable, lovable mess of a man and you look forward to seeing him and his shenanigans each week. While living the infamous and incomparable life of Nick Miller, and obviously Julius Pepperwood— he has learned many valuable laws of the land. And, although Nick refuses to learn anything from anyone besides his mysterious, old Asian friend Tran, he does have a few lessons he'd like to teach us.

Here are 35 facts of life according to 'Nick Milla Nick Milla':

1. Drinking keeps you healthy.

"I'm not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer."

2. Dinosaurs never existed.

"I don't believe dinosaurs existed. I've seen the science. I don't believe it."

3. A paper bag is a bank.

"A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls."

4. Having sex is similar to delivering mail.

"I'm like a mailman, except instead of mail it's hot sex that I deliver."

5. Moonwalking is a foolproof way to get out of any awkward situation.

Jess (about Nick): "Now he won't even talk to me. I saw him this morning and he just panic moonwalked away from me. He does that sometimes."

6. Using a movie reference is also a great way.

Cece: "Come on, get up!"

Nick: "No, I don't dance. I'm from that town in "Footloose."

7. There's no reason to wash towels.

Nick: "I don’t wash the towel. The towel washes me. Who washes a towel?"

Schmidt: "You never wash your towel?"

Nick: "What am I gonna do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap?"

8. Exes are meant to be avoided at all costs (especially if/unless they're Caroline)

"I don't deal with exes, they're part of the past. You burn them swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon."

9. IKEA furniture is not as intimidating as it looks.

"I'm building you the dresser. I love this stuff. It's like high-stakes LEGOs."

10. You don't need forks if you have hands.

Jess: "That's gross. Get a fork, man."

Nick: "I got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms!"

11. Sex has a very specific definition.

"It's not sex until you put the straw in the coconut."

12. Doors are frustrating.

"I will push if I want to push! Come on! I hate doors!"

13. All booze is good booze.

"Can I get an alcohol?"

14. ...unless it's weak booze.

"Schmidt, that is melon flavored liquor! That is 4-proof! That is safe to drink while you're pregnant!"

15. Writers are like pregnant women.

Jess: "You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus."

Nick: "I can top that easily. I'm having a hard time with my zombie novel."

Jess: "Are you really comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?"

Nick: "I'm a writer, Jess. We create life."

16. All bets must be honored.

"There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my first-born child needs to be Reginald VelJohnson. I lost a bet to Schmidt."

17. Adele's voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.

"Adele is amazing."

18. Beyoncé is extremely trustworthy.

"I'd trust Beyoncé with my life. We be all night."

19. Fish, on the other hand, are not.

“Absolutely not. You know I don’t trust fish! They breathe water. That's crazy!"

20. Bar mitzvahs are terrifying.

Schmidt: "It's a bar mitzvah!"

Nick: "I am NOT watching a kid get circumcised!"

21. are blueberries.

Jess: "So far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships..."

Nick: "And blueberries."

22. Take your time with difficult decisions. Don't be rash.

Jess: "You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?"

Nick: "You're putting me in a tough spot!"

23. Getting into shape is not easy.

"I mean, I’m not doing squats or anything. I’m trying to eat less donuts."

24. We aren't meant to talk about our feelings.

"If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called talkings."

25. We're all a little bit too hard on ourselves.

"The enemy is the inner me."

26. Freezing your underwear is a good way to cool off.

"Trust me, I'm wearing frozen underpants right now and I feel amazing. I'm gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you."

27. Public nudity is normal.

"Everbody has been flashed countless times."

28. Alcohol is a cure-all.

"You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol."

29. Horses are aliens.

"I believe horses are from outer-space."

30. Turtles should actually be called 'shell-beavers.'

Jess: "He calls turtles 'shell-beavers."

Nick: "Well, that's what they should be called."

31. Trench coats are hot.

"This coat has clean lines and pockets that don't quit, and it has room for your hips. And, when I wear it, I feel hot to trot!"

32. Sparkles are too.

"Now, my final bit of advice, and don't get sensitive on this, but you've got to change that top it's terrible and you've got to throw sparkles on. Sparkles are in. SPARKLES ARE IN."

33. Introspection can lead to a deeper knowing of oneself.

"I'm not convinced I know how to read. I've just memorized a lot of words."

34. It's important to live in the moment.

"I know this isn't gonna end well but the middle part is gonna be awesome."

35. Drinking makes you cooler.

Jess: "Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing."

Nick: "That's the only thing in the world I know to be true."

Cover Image Credit: Hollywood Reporter

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8 Underrated Music Artists You’ll Wish You Listened To Sooner

I'd like to think my taste in music is fairly diverse. I'll listen to just about anything, except for country. Sorry about that.


With streaming services like Spotify, Tidal, Apple Music, and Pandora, etc., music has become extremely accessible in recent years. This technology has allowed artists, old and new, to gain traction with new crowds. Being that I enjoy a variety of genres, I like to keep an open ear and mind to new music; or at least, music that's new to me. I've found myself on multiple occasions going on tangents to seek out unknown artists through these platforms. That being said, I decided to piece together a list of some of the best, underrated artists of today's music.


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Known by his stage name, Sampha, Sampha Sisay hails from Morden, South London, United Kingdom. As a singer/songwriter, Sampha has been spotlighted most for featuring on songs alongside Drake, Kanye West, and Solange. While he's yet to make a real breakout on his own, there's a good chance you'd recognize his voice. I first discovered Sampha my freshman year of high school through his features on SBTRKT's "SBTRKT" album. The soft, melodic tone of his voice has gone largely underappreciated for some time, but it has never failed to make for the perfect study music.

Chet Faker (Nick Murphy)

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Born Nicholas James Murphy, Chet Faker chose his stage name in honor of the famed jazz musician, Chet Baker. The Australia native has a mixture of jazz, soul, and electronic sounds throughout his music. Although I discovered his music when he performed and recorded as Chet Faker, Murphy took to social media to inform fans that he would release all future projects, starting in 2017, as Nick Murphy.

I stumbled across, then, Chet Faker when his cover of Blackstreet's "No Diggity" shuffled onto Pandora. Although I'm a fan of the original version of the song, I instantly fell in love with Faker's version. The slowed down smooth, raspy cover, and his music, in general, makes him the perfect addition to any "chill" playlist.


THEY. is a dynamic R&B duo comprised of Dante Jones and Drew Love from Los Angeles, California. While they are categorically R&B, they also incorporate hip-hop and a light mix of rock into their overall sound. Honestly, I'm not quite sure where I first heard THEY., but I believe it was freshman year of college. I remember taking an instant liking to them, as I've always been a fan of hip-hop. However, their sound is a softer, more unique sound than the mainstream R&B and hip-hop of today. In my opinion, they've built a bridge between these old-school genres and their future sound.

Little Dragon

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The Swedish band from Gothenburg, Sweden has a cacophony of genres that make up their sound. Primarily encompassing an electro-indie and alternative-pop sound, Little Dragon's music ranges from emotional ballads to energy-ridden dance tracks. I discovered Little Dragon my freshman year of high school, through the same album that I discovered Sampha. Although they, too, are a more obscure group, they've had their fair share of big features, including ones with Flume, Big Boi, and Mac Miller. Aside from the features, my favorite tracks are their upbeat, fun records that can instantly transform my mood.

Majid Jordan 

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Comprised of singer Majid Al Maskati and producer Jordan Ullman, Majid Jordan joined forces in Toronto, Canada. Mostly known for signing a deal with Drake's OVO Sound label, Majid Jordan's sound is based in R&B but is more alternative R&B mixed with synth-pop. They've had several collaborations with the famed rapper, which has given some much-needed attention to the pair. Considering their discography, some of their music is relaxing, some of it makes you want to dance, and some of it may put you in your feelings. Overall, the talented duo offers a record for every mood and setting. With this versatility, Majid Jordan is a MUST-listen-to group.

Two Feet

Known by the stage name Two Feet, Zachary William "Bill" Dess is a singer/songwriter from New York. He's categorically considered to fall under the electronic genre, but I think that's a very narrow description of his music. Akin to the sound of Chet Faker, Two Feet's music is a bit sultrier and little more Blues-y. I also stumbled upon Two Feet when his music shuffled onto one of my Pandora stations, and I haven't regretted learning of him since. It somehow seems that he's always slated to perform at every music festival that I want to attend, but never actually end up going to.

Marian Hill

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Hailing from the "City of Brotherly Love," Marian Hill is a duo of producer Jeremy Lloyd and singer Samantha Gongol. They derived their stage name from two characters, Marian Paroo and Harold Hill, from the lauded musical, The Music Man. The pair's sound mainly fits between synth-pop and electronic. The group, however, has their own idea of themselves, as they've called themselves the self-proclaimed "future of pop;" and if that's the case, sign me up! Marian Hill's music is mainly up-tempo and energetic with a subtle sultry quality. Their tracks definitely make for great additions to any party playlist.

Dennis Lloyd

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Born in Tel Aviv, Israel, Nir Tibor adopted the stage name Dennis Lloyd and kicked off his music career in Bangkok, Thailand. With such a diverse cultural background, it is no surprise that Lloyd's sound reaches across many genres. Most notably, Lloyd's sound has been noted as a blending of indie pop, R&B, synth-pop, with a touch of reggae. His biggest hit so far is "Nevermind," which actually completely shocked me when I heard it being played on multiple, mainstream US radio stations. I had previously discovered Dennis Lloyd on Tidal and had perused through most of his discography. As an oddly obsessed fan of raspy voices, I thoroughly plan to keep up with his future projects.


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