When I mention to people that I am on the asexual spectrum, I hear a variety of responses.
Often, there’s confusion, and that confusion generally centers around one main thing, I've had romantic experiences. “But didn’t you have a boyfriend?” they might ask. “I thought you’ve been kissed though,” someone told me in confusion. “But didn’t you say you could see yourself getting married?” people sometimes inquire.
The answer to all these queries is a resounding yes.
Yes, I have had a boyfriend. He was and is an incredible guy who I’m very grateful to, and who I loved very much. Yes, I’ve been kissed, by this same person. And yes, I could see myself in a committed relationship in the future.
However, I experience sexual attraction rarely at best. Surprisingly enough, to many these are not contradictions. Love and lust have more of a dichotomy than people might imagine, and this dichotomy is where my ability to have a happy relationship, sans sexual attraction, comes from.
Just about everyone is familiar with sexual orientations: heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and everything in between. Whether people agree with them or not, the fact remains that they do exist and have been validated by multiple scientific studies. What people are less aware of is that many romantic identities also exist.
For example, a heteroromantic person is romantically attracted to people of the opposite gender, and a homoromantic person is romantically attracted to people of the same gender. For many, their sexual orientations match with their romantic orientations—plenty of people are heterosexual and heteroromantic, or bisexual and biromantic, just to name a few examples.
But as one might guess, many people also have different romantic and sexual identities. Despite being asexual, I personally identify as panromantic, someone who can fall in romantic love with people anywhere on the gender spectrum.
This difference means that, though I have absolutely no desire to have sex, I would love being in a romantic relationship. In fact, it wouldn’t even be something chaste, touchless, void of any contact.
I adore soft, loving kisses from a romantic partner. Few things make me happier than being held close, my skin brushed with tender, romantic touches, while I’m with someone I adore. Even sex, as an act of romantic love rather than physical pleasure, isn’t an unappealing concept.
The beauty of a relationship, for me, doesn’t even necessarily lie in touch. Some of my favorite memories of my relationships are just mundane things like playing games together, talking about our lives, doing small things that we both enjoy. Little “Good morning, beautiful” texts, smiles where our eyes light up, laughing together, talking about our days—all these things make a relationship beautiful.
On top of that, asexuals are just as different in their preferences as any sexual person. Some asexual people love touch, others can’t stand it. Lots of asexual people would have sex, either for something as arbitrary for release of tension or for expression of love. Others are repulsed by the sheer concept.
The only thing that we all will have in common is a lack of sexual attraction, and even that can vary across the asexual spectrum. Some people, who are defined as demisexual, can’t experience sexual attraction without an emotional bond. Others fit somewhere within the asexual spectrum but it isn’t clear where—these are gray-asexuals. The label “Asexual” is not one-size-fits-all, and everyone’s asexual experience is completely different.
So overall, asexual people aren’t doomed to a cloistered life of isolation from romance. Sure, we might not necessarily be able to give you the best sex of your life. We might not be able to bond with you over shared sexual attraction. But, if you can work through that, and are willing to try, asexual people can make up for their lack of lust with some of the most caring love you will find.
We aren’t robotic, we aren’t emotionless. Simply put, we’re people. And many of us are the kindest, most genuine, most loving people you will ever meet.
