With so many of my high school classmates and good friends getting married and having children these days I find myself questioning on a daily basis what it is exactly that I'm doing with my life. I question this more than I would like to admit, really. I see all the people around me doing the adult thing and spending the holidays with the in-laws thing and I wonder, what am I doing? Shouldn't I be finding me a lifetime partner in crime to settle down with and buying a house in the suburbs? Don't I want all the trimmings of a picked fence and porch swing? Shouldn't I be worried about having children right now? It seems that everyone else my age is. Should't I?
Maybe I should be. Maybe I should already be married and settled in my hometown with a family. But I'm not entirely sure that's what I want right now; even though I feel like this itch to get married and have kids is in the water around here. I won't lie and say I question where my nice, hard working, Christian man is. I won't even lie and say that I don't picture myself as a mom one day, because I do. But there are people in this world that would be perfectly content with living this quiet, simple life in a place they have always known. That's what they want to devote their life to doing. That's totally fine. I often envy those people because they have a plan, or road map of their life, if you will. Yet here I am just trying to keep myself together through midterms right now. I secretly do long for that simple, quiet, even boring life with a family. I think at the end of the day we all want that. But how badly is the question.
But I know that living in my small, quiet confines of my hometown for the rest of my life with a guy I went to high school with is not the path I think I'm interested in. I really don't think I'm interested in having a few kids who attend the same high school their father and I went to either. I just don't think I want that; at least right now. I realized at some point in time a few years ago that I am a person who isn't content with being a wife and mom all the time for the rest of her life. Sure I would love that title one day but that day is not today and it won't be tomorrow. I realized I am a person who craves adventure and new excitement. I want to go to school and learn new things about the world. I want to research new ideas theorized by scholars. I want to explore new lands and see new places. Most of all I want to become this great writer one day. That's what I want more than anything.
My dream is not of picked fenced suburb homes. My dream is to see my face on the back of a book that I wrote on the shelves of book stores. I want to put my words out into the world to touch a person's heart. I want to connect with a human being on a deeper, more passionate level than I ever knew possible with just my words. My words and my writing and even my education will be my ticket out of this town that I have always called home.
I used to think I would get out of here way sooner than this. I thought for a long time in high school I would get out of my home town after graduation. That didn't happen. Then I thought for a little while that I would find a nice guy to get me out of here. That didn't happen either; although God knows I tried to make it happen. Then it occurred to me one day that the only person or only thing to get me out of here was me and my dream. That's what is going to be my ticket to the rest of my life. Even if I have to go broke and beg on the street for people to read my words, I will become a writer and I will write to the person in the world who has a broken heart. I'll write to the person who has never felt good enough. I'll even write to the person who feels like they can't escape the deep pit of depression that they find themselves in. Because I can relate to all these people.
I pray often that I can pursue my education as a masters student in English in a big city. If all goes well and my prayers are answered, I'll be doing that in the Fall of next year. I pray that I can write books one day that when people read them they feel like someone in this world gets them, because I do. I pray that I can see new places and expand my knowledge of the world before I die. I pray that everyday. But I also pray that I can have my cake and eat it too. Right now I seem to be stuck on the baking of this great, wonderful, delicious cake. I'll let you know when it gets done baking and I can actually enjoy it; icing and all. This is my ticket to the rest of my life... What's yours?
