Diets. We've all tried one at some point. Maybe you've succeeded, and you've been resisting pizza and cheeseburgers since 2012 (if so, props to you because I just don't really understand how you do it, and please teach me your ways). However, if you're anything like me, diets are just one of those things you're really not good at. It goes on for what seems like weeks (but joke's on you because it's only been a solid total of thirteen hours), and you fall back into temptation before someone can ask if you want a second slice of cake. These are definitely the thirteen stages every person has gone through when they go on a diet.
1. It's the first day, and you're super determined.
Nothing can stop you. Not even that Insomnia Cookie coupon that was given to you in Free Speech Alley.
2. You go to lunch and make a salad, and you feel like the epitome of health.
And silently judge everyone not eating a salad even though you were literally that person yesterday.
3. And then your friend asks if you want the rest of their fries, but you resist and feel like a champion.
You've honestly never been more proud of yourself.
4. You feel like this is finally the time you'll follow through with this whole diet thing.
This is the stage that I like to call, "the calm before the storm."
5. Then, the cravings start to set in.
The pain. The agony. The cheese fries.
6. And you start to convince yourself that you can allow yourself one piece of chocolate a night.
It's just one piece.. right?
7. But one piece turns into the whole bag real quick.
8. And then it's just downhill from there, and you've decided that since you've screwed up once, you can screw up again.
You just tell yourself today is your one and only cheat day.
9. So the next day you try to convince yourself that you LOVE eating healthy.
Mmm, branflakes. Mmm, broccoli. Mmm, sadness.
10. And then you decide you're not capable of this kind of commitment and go back to what you truly love.
And everything is right in the world.
11. Then, your friend asks, "Aren't you on a diet..?"
I mean, honestly, how dare she?
12. So you quit being her friend because you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
Because all that food won't remind you what a piece of trash person you really are.
13. And you go back to what you truly love and can't even figure out why you left it in the first place.
If you're a pizza, I'm a pizza.