I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you joined the survivor club. We've been in your place and we know what you're feeling. Losing a loved one is never easy but losing a loved one to suicide is especially difficult. You get no warning like people get when they're diagnosed with an illness such as cancer. There is no goodbye, in fact most cases you don't even know that person had this plan. It's blind sighting. This loss is an emotional roller coaster. One day you'll be at peace with what happened because hey, at least they are in a better place and aren't suffering anymore. Then other days you'll be so angry you might erupt like a volcano because why did they think it was okay to just leave you with no explanation? There will be sad days too where it feels like you're alone and their absence is so apparent it's unsettling. Again, I'm sorry you joined the club.

There will be a number of things you'll go through and experience and words cannot express how sorry I am. This loss will follow you everywhere you go.

The first holiday without them will not feel like a holiday. Christmas is no longer Christmas without your dad. Easter isn't the same without Aunt Jenny and her loud obnoxious laugh. Thanksgiving isn't the same without Uncle Trevor and the way he cooked the turkey. The empty spot at the dinner table is so loud you can hear the silence from the absence. These special days you once looked forward to are no longer a happy time but rather a reminder that your person is missing.

Rooms in the house feel empty without their things or them. Maybe you had to move because the thought of them ending their life in the house you once called home is too sickening that it causes nightmares. Perhaps you kept a few of their items but when people see a bottle of cologne on your dresser and they ask who's it is you'll get a pit in your stomach because you're going to have to explain why you have it and who's it is. Pictures are kept and people won't know who the woman in the pictures are because she isn't around anymore so they avoid the mysterious woman and make their own assumptions.

Traditions are ended. Every Tuesday night you and your dad would watch The Big Bang Theory but now watching the show just makes you depressed. Every holiday you and your cousin would sit at the kids table because the adults table was full, now you're surrounded by your little cousins without someone your own age to talk to. Summer time nights walking down the street to the local ice cream shop are gone and you going there feels like something is missing.

Life time events will be hard. Learning how to drive, first day of high school, graduation, first year at college, first big adult job, getting married, having kids of your own; none of these feel right because you don't have your person cheering you on. It can be unsettling at times but they're with you still, you may not feel it but close your eyes for a minute and you'll feel them with you. Never will it be the same without them there in person but they're with you everywhere you go.

Father's day and Mother's day are days to go MIA. Scrolling through social media on these days is terrible when you lost a parent. You see all the happy smiling people with their parent talking about how thankful they are to have them. Depression will hit but use this day to go to them cemetery or wherever their place is, sit down and just talk out loud. It can be creepily weird at times because you feel like they're there listening to you. Decorate their place for them, leave flowers, leave a card, whatever it is just don't let yourself dwell in silence and pity.

Your first death after them is going to hit you like a truck. It's weird how when someone passes we feel the emotions from previous deaths. At times it can feel selfish and terrible for crying over the loss of a past person more so than the person who's funeral you're at but it's okay because death brings up a variety of emotions and flashbacks. We associate death with many things and one of those could be linked with the person you just lost. Let yourself grieve.

There will be days where you just miss them. No warning or triggers, you just wake up one morning and you feel their absence. You just miss them. It's like them not being here is much more obvious on days like today. They're on your mind more so than normal and there's no explanation, they just are. Take a minute or two out of your day to look at their picture or listen to a song that reminds you of them. Remember them.

You will start to forget them. This is scary and at times can be aggravating and devastating. You won't ever forget them completely but sometimes it might be hard to hear their voice or to remember the color of their eyes. That smell you could pick out anywhere is masked now. Some days you can't remember their laugh as easily. Don't let this tear you apart and make you feel terrible for forgetting because it's been so long since you last saw them, it will get harder to remember little things and the big things will get blurry.

When it first happens, when it's been a day since they took their life, it will feel like a blur almost as if it's a nightmare you can't wake up from. It won't feel like a Thursday. It'll feel like they'll be back in a week but then the first month passes and it doesn't get any better. Eventually it'll hit a year since they've been gone and you will get sad that they've been gone for a whole year and all that had happened in the last year happened without them. Then it'll be five years and you'll look back and feel like it was just last week when you last saw them. Time begins to be a concept you somedays just can't understand.

The up's-and-down's will never end and you might never fully be at peace with the concept. However, when you look back you'll see how far you have come and how much stronger you have became. Your person will be so proud that you have the strength you have to keep living day by day without them. They will always be with you, just take that minute to channel them and you'll feel it. I wouldn't ever wish this type of experience of heart break on anyone so I'm sorry you are going through this. Experiencing this will open you up to more communities and you will meet people who have and are going through what you are. Pretty soon the feeling of being the only one who's lost someone close to your heart by suicide will disappear because sadly this isn't as rare as it seems. So keep your story close to your heart and be there for others who are facing this pain. Together we can make a difference and save lives. Use your story to help others. You cannot change things so do not dwell on what you could've done, this will eat you to dust, instead focus on what you can do now.

I'm sorry.

With all my sympathy, sorrow and love,

A fellow survivor