Endless diet pills. Endless nights of crying alone. Endless emotional turmoil. Every day when I open my eyes, the thought of looking in the mirror immediately saddens my soul. This is because I know I will hate what I see. At one point in time, I loved myself. I never looked in the mirror and felt like I was ugly or inadequate. But as time went on, my perception of myself changed. I was taught to hate my body by being exposed to societal expectations and harsh words from the people who surrounded me.
You’re fat. You’re ugly. Have you ever heard of Proactive? My fellow peers continuously teased me, and I let their words define me for many years. I hated my body at a very young age, and it has carried into my adulthood.
I take a look in the mirror and see red scars all down my face. I feel completely disgusted. Sometimes I wonder if my flaws will ever disappear. Acne is ugly. Scarring is ugly. I now find myself pointing out every imperfection I see. I don’t know how to love the skin I’m in because, for years, I was told not to.
I look in the mirror again, and I see my legs, arms and stomach. I’m nauseated by what I see, and have to walk away. Years of hating my body have taken a toll on my heart and mind.
I have vivid memories of my tormentors laughing at me when I would pass by, calling me disgusting and overweight. To this day, I’m put down by others through name-calling and laughter. So, how am I supposed to feel beautiful? I can’t.
I may make it seem like I’m happy, but in reality, I am not. I try to cover up how I feel about my appearance by having a smile and a bubbly attitude, but inside, I’m very broken. I’ve been turned away, hated and judged because of how I look. So now, I also judge myself and hate who I am.
Will this feeling go away with time? Will I ever look in the mirror with absolute confidence? Maybe one day I will. Learning to love yourself is sometimes one of the hardest things you can ever do. For some, it comes easily, but for me, it will take time.
Until then, I’ll continue to put on makeup in an attempt to cover my scars. And I’ll go on diets in hopes of losing at least five pounds. Looking in the mirror will be painful, and shopping for clothes will always be one of my least favorite activities. I’ll spend money on multiple diet pills, dozens of face washes and foundation. And I’ll look into the mirror with tears welling up in my eyes.
I realize this is a severe problem, and I struggle every single day. I wish I had the mindset I had many years ago. Before hurtful words and opinions permeated my life. Maybe then, I wouldn’t hate my body.
