As a young child, I was aching to grow up. I wanted to be exactly like my mom and to be a cool mommy since she was one (she still is one, so shout-out to my awesome mama), I demanded to have no curfew since all of the “big kids” (the “big kids” were only 15, but I literally thought that they were adults at the time) didn’t have one and I aspired to be the first female president of the United States. I wanted to be all of this, and knowing myself, probably even more at the mere age of six. Life’s funny sometimes because now that I have actually begun my journey into adulthood, something I’ve desired for as long as I can remember, I crave the exact opposite – to have my childhood back. I wish I were back in a time where student loans weren’t a major concern of mine. I wish I didn’t have to worry about finding a career that will provide me with both happiness and a sufficient amount of money to support my future family. I spent my whole childhood rushing to be an adult and now that I’m almost there, I want nothing else, but to go back and appreciate my childhood more.

While growing up is both exciting and frightening all at the same time, I have found the scariest part not to be searching for a job or falling in love, but the plain and simple fact that as I grow older, the older people I love do too. Suddenly, my parents aren’t in their 30's anymore, but are approaching their 50's. My grandparents, who used to play with me for hours without ever getting tired, can’t walk for more than 10 minutes without complaining that they need to rest. When did they get so old? When did life get so complicated?’

The main reason why I want to relive my childhood is not because of having the older people I love be younger again, but because I would be able to remind myself to appreciate all of their little quirks that they had at the time.

Everything changes and while some factors do stay the same, many don’t. For example, I took for granted all of the car rides I went on with my grandpa because now he can barely drive a car. At the age of 13, I was more concerned with watching movies with my friends than spending quality time with my grandparents. Of course I was aware that everyone gets older, however, at that age, I hadn’t truly realized all of the factors that would change as people do become older. There have only been little changes as of now, since my grandparents aren’t extremely old at all, but they are still changes that I can’t help but notice and to be frank, changes that have the ability to break my heart. It literally hurts to visit my grandmas in the hospital knowing that they fell again and to hear my grandpa complain that the simple act of walking brings him so much pain. It’s such a terrible feeling because all I ever wanted was for time to pass by, but now that I have realized the impact it has left on some of the people I love, all I want is to go back.

Who knew that something I longed for so long would bring me so many complex and different emotions, including fear and pain? Oh, the irony in growing up.