The Rules Of Cuddling

Cuddling is not an all night thing. There. I said it. That doesn't mean men don't think it's great. Who doesn't love to spoon, nuzzle, or cradle? But there are limits, people.

Snuggling should last no more than ten minutes. After that, each party should return to their respective sides of the bed. During this break, they can use the bathroom or make a sandwich. There should be at least twenty minutes of non-cuddle time inbetween episodes of cuddling. I don't think this is unreasonable.

Just because a man needs some space doesn't mean he has intimacy issues. It can get sweaty in an amorous embrace. This is just reality.

Many woman interpret a man's fidgetiness as rejection. This is just not true. Some women treat their men like parachutes. They hold on for dear life. What she thinks is a "cuddle" is actually a death grip, a python's hug. She is a barnacle and he is the hull of a pirate's ship.

Look, I'm all man, and I have the big, round, hairy toe knuckles to prove it. I'm not even afraid to be the inside spoon. If she wants to wrap her arms around me, fine. I don't have to be the protective love shell. But after ten minutes of holding each other close, I get sweaty. Antsy. Restless, like a lonesome bull made out of tornados.

Now I know that plenty of women think that men are brutes. The slightest sign of tender affection, and we react like a vampire unwittingly using a Holy water bidet. But there's a reason stuffed animals are called Teddy Bears, and not Tina or Tonya Bears. Hello, the "'bear hug?" Dudes practically invented the non-lethal squeeze.

However, quality cuddling isn't determined by duration of time. Longer is not better. A good horizontal hug is about intensity. It's about pulling someone into your chest. Breathing with them, sharing a quiet moment, and briefly allowing your souls to melt together like the gooey innards of a grilled cheese sandwich. Then letting go. This is mostly practical: I like to sleep on my stomach. I can't sleep comfortably if I'm tangled up with another person. You know what's sexy? Two people panting after sex, and fumbling to find each other in the dark. You know what's not sexy? Finding that person and discovering she's a needy leech person with suction cup fingertips.

Guys get so much heat for banging and bolting, railing and bouncing. But we love to cuddle. Seriously. We want to cuddle. Our big, muscular arms were made to hold onto those we love for dear life. We want to be held, too. But not for hours at a time. What if a bear attacks at night? We need to be free, in order to wrestle that bear!

To recap: cuddling is not a marathon sport. We'll all be a lot happier if you just accept these facts of life. Snuggling is like making out - you have to come up for air eventually.