The Rules Of Cuddling

The Rules Of Cuddling

Please check out our rules of cuddling etiquette.

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Cuddling is not an all night thing. There. I said it. That doesn't mean men don't think it's great. Who doesn't love to spoon, nuzzle, or cradle? But there are limits, people.

Snuggling should last no more than ten minutes. After that, each party should return to their respective sides of the bed. During this break, they can use the bathroom or make a sandwich. There should be at least twenty minutes of non-cuddle time inbetween episodes of cuddling. I don't think this is unreasonable.

Just because a man needs some space doesn't mean he has intimacy issues. It can get sweaty in an amorous embrace. This is just reality.

Many woman interpret a man's fidgetiness as rejection. This is just not true. Some women treat their men like parachutes. They hold on for dear life. What she thinks is a "cuddle" is actually a death grip, a python's hug. She is a barnacle and he is the hull of a pirate's ship.

Look, I'm all man, and I have the big, round, hairy toe knuckles to prove it. I'm not even afraid to be the inside spoon. If she wants to wrap her arms around me, fine. I don't have to be the protective love shell. But after ten minutes of holding each other close, I get sweaty. Antsy. Restless, like a lonesome bull made out of tornados.

Now I know that plenty of women think that men are brutes. The slightest sign of tender affection, and we react like a vampire unwittingly using a Holy water bidet. But there's a reason stuffed animals are called Teddy Bears, and not Tina or Tonya Bears. Hello, the "'bear hug?" Dudes practically invented the non-lethal squeeze.

However, quality cuddling isn't determined by duration of time. Longer is not better. A good horizontal hug is about intensity. It's about pulling someone into your chest. Breathing with them, sharing a quiet moment, and briefly allowing your souls to melt together like the gooey innards of a grilled cheese sandwich. Then letting go. This is mostly practical: I like to sleep on my stomach. I can't sleep comfortably if I'm tangled up with another person. You know what's sexy? Two people panting after sex, and fumbling to find each other in the dark. You know what's not sexy? Finding that person and discovering she's a needy leech person with suction cup fingertips.

Guys get so much heat for banging and bolting, railing and bouncing. But we love to cuddle. Seriously. We want to cuddle. Our big, muscular arms were made to hold onto those we love for dear life. We want to be held, too. But not for hours at a time. What if a bear attacks at night? We need to be free, in order to wrestle that bear!

To recap: cuddling is not a marathon sport. We'll all be a lot happier if you just accept these facts of life. Snuggling is like making out - you have to come up for air eventually.

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An Open Letter To The Woolsey Fire— Enough Is Enough

We are tired of destruction.

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There are terrible things that happen every day in our world, and unfortunately, it has gotten to the point where disaster no longer shocks us in the same way it used to.

You started short of one day after the horrifying Thousand Oaks shooting and have since done nothing but haunt countless numbers of people, some of who were also affected by the shooting. You really came with a bang - You were unexpected and too smart to stop. You were out to destroy and nothing would get in your way.

Us, victims are defeated.

The cities You have massacred are now ghost towns, and the families You have affected stand weak in front of burnt land they used to call home. Yet, I cannot be mad at You. You have caused me, my family, and my friends to evacuate our homes. You have destroyed the dance studio I grew up at and the schools my friends graduated from. My former classmates' houses are gone and they are left only with ashes of their belongings.

When disaster strikes I cannot help but feel hatred for the person who brought it upon us. It is always easier to cope with loss and anger when you can find someone to blame but You are not someone. I cannot blame an inanimate object for this. I have no one to hate and it is making everything worse. I want a face to feel anger towards, but all You are is red sparks of flames spreading through everywhere I have ever known. You are a force of nature too strong to be reckoned with. In the four days, You have been here, You have caused over 240,000 homes to be evacuated. You have destroyed 350 homes and caused innocent people to die. Animals have been left to burn in the flames and people have been left homeless. Firefighters are putting their lives on the line to stop You. I do not know why You are here but enough is enough.

My family was not put under mandatory evacuation until Sunday.

Since Thursday I have woken up every morning to a sense of fear that my house was gone. So far I am still lucky to have my home but so many others do not have the same privilege. My friends have come back from college to be with their families only to find themselves homeless, all thanks to You. My hometown looks like the setting of an apocalypse. The grassy fields and colorful barns that used to give life to the San Fernando Valley are now plain darkness. The nature that surrounds the city I grew up in is now gone, and we are left with the remains of the hiking trails, buildings, and communities we used to love so dearly. You have lived enough, give us back our ability to live without the fear of our homes burning down. You are supposed to stay around until next week, but we cannot handle having You here for that much longer.

Sincerely,

A resident of the town You burned down

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How To Appreciate Your Man

Top 5 Secrets for Making Your Man Feel Loved
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I got one of those questions the other day that made me think, "well that's a blog post if I've ever seen one." The long and short of it was that the original poster wanted to know ways that she could show her man that she appreciated him. I said to myself, "self, exactly how could a woman show her man that she appreciated him?"

The more I started to think about this the more difficult it became. And do you know why?

Glad you asked.

Well, its because I think in general, women constantly show their men how much they appreciate us. If there's a gender dropping the ball in the appreciation arena, its men, not women. Women tend to compromise more, always consider us in their decisions, and want us to be happy at all times. Not that men don't want their women to be happy, we just would rather her happiness didn't come at our expense. Are we selfish? Probably. We're also raised to be selfish about life. It's a vicious cycle.

Anyway, so I got to thinking about specifics. Assuming that regular life is taking place and both people show one another that they care and appreciate them via regular life activities like spending time and saying things that need to be said, etc, how else might this occur?

Here's my stab at this list.







1. Telling him to go out and have a night with his boys on occasion

I don't mean the scheduled 2-hour break many of us get on a Saturday to go hang with our friends and play basketball or something. I mean, just one day, out of the blue, just tell your man that he should go and take a personal day and have fun. Go do whatever you want and come home when you want. No pressure and no worries. We'll probably think this is a set up (face it, 7 times out of 10 it IS a setup), but he'll appreciate that you realized he needed a "break" at times.

2. Buy him something that he actually wants instead of something you want him to have

Not saying that this is always the case, or the case the majority of the time, but I know I've been the recipient of more than one gift that I either couldn't use or couldn't understand why I was receiving it. Of course I took it and said thank you, but it went in the pile with the Snuggies and Extra Medium Banana Republic sweaters. If I say I'd like something like a new toolbox and you get me a toolbox, I'll be ecstatic. Just like women love when men listen, men do too. We appreciate that and will feel appreciated. Because you heard me.

3. Help him with something that he really needs help with

You know how we know that you love or appreciate us? By being there for us when we truly need somebody to be there. Now, this seems like its in women's nature to do this anyway so perhaps this goes in the "just do what you'd normally do" pile, but its true. Men need respect and loyalty. We're like dogs in that regard. You give us that and we'll likely stick around for the long haul anyway. But we do appreciate that and trust me, it doesn't go unnoticed.

4. Tell him

Sounds easy enough but it really isn't. A lot of people have trouble articulating to somebody why they appreciate them. It's easy to say "I love you" (well, kind of), but its harder to say why you love somebody or why you appreciate what they bring to your life because it requires self-awareness. So telling him will allow him the space to understand why you appreciate him and he'll probably cook you a meal. We work really well with words of affirmation.

5. Just do something nice to make him feel special

Another one of those things that truly just goes both ways, male or female. In fact, showing appreciation really is the same across the board. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman, the best way to show appreciation is to just do it. Let them know, or do something nice for them to show that you care and are listening to their needs. Everybody wins that way.

And an angel probably gets its wings.

Cover Image Credit: Flickr

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