The Ring Of Fire

Every day is a battle.

I feel like I'm slipping further and further away from my faith, my morals, and my values.

I've fallen into a trap and lately I just don't know if there's even a way to escape.

It's so hard living with depression. One day you feel decent and the slightest thing happens and it's like the world is crashing down around you and you're just sitting there watching it all happen.

I have triggers and to avoid them, is nearly impossible.

I wish I was stronger. I wish my mind wasn't weak and that I was more secure with myself.

I wish that God could give me purpose again.

It started May 22, 2015. The day of my grandmother's death. Up until that morning I had been going to bed every night saying a prayer to God to just perform some miracle on this beautiful and strong Christian woman to keep her around a little longer. I had wasted so many opportunities to open my heart to her. About my anger towards God for doing this to her.

She was my rock, my confidante, my best friend, vocal coach, therapist, and spiritual counselor. She always believed in me, and the things that I could accomplish despite any odds that may be placed against me.

Losing someone like that hurts deeply. It's like a light that was once inside of you is burnt out and you start to feel hopeless and unsure of yourself. When she was here I knew where I was going, I had a purpose and it was all because she was guiding me and instilling so much confidence in me as a person.

I spent many nights after her funeral waking up with anxiety attacks or no sleep at all because I couldn't stop crying or agonizingly missing her smell or her hugs.

Here I am over a year later and I do not feel closure or comfort or even a smidge of understanding.

I just feel numb.

I knew if she was here, she'd beat me for letting myself get so far deep into a state depression over her passing.

I find myself being more and more dependent on people. More and more afraid of loss and fearing that I'll never be truly loved and not because I don't have others in my life that love me unconditionally, but because I no longer have someone that I knew no matter what i might've done or said she would be there with her arms wide open.

I've let myself go in ways that I never imagined I would. I am ashamed and humiliated with myself because I never completed the healing process when I know that's something she wants of me.

I simply put it off because it was easier to ignore the pain than to overcome it.

Worst of all, I feel hopeless because no matter how many times I talk about it I simply hear the same thing over and over. "What would she want you to do?" "Would she want you to sit around and mope?"

Yeah duh, I know that, but it does not bring mean any closure. It does not make me feel better, it does not bring me any closer to healing.

It's just a constant ring of fire. I cry, I get angry, I get numb.

And I've been numb for way too long.

I want to make her proud but I know I'm only failing her.

Which as you guessed, spirals me into another depression.

Going into her house now, is like a metaphor for how I feel inside; empty.

I only pray that there will be a day I will feel okay and that not all will be lost when that happens.