We all know the feeling we had as a preteen, perhaps as an 11 or 12-year old who gazed admirably at the teenagers who became “cool” only by existing around us. Just a couple more months and we would be able to claim our “teenage” superpowers—grapple with problems of acne and curfews and heartbreak. I couldn’t wait until my 13 birthday, when I would be “one of them.”

Well, I did eventually earn the title of “teenager,” and as it turns out, I kind of suck at it. I had a set image in my mind of what I thought teenagers did, what they ate, and when they slept. I assumed that my teenage years would consist of everything that I saw in the Disney Channel movies I watched fervently. Although I hoped for the glory days of my pre-adulthood years, I soon realized that I was nothing like a lot of the stereotypes I had subscribed to about being a teenager. It turns out that that’s completely okay.

Here are some of the things I had looked forward to in my preteen years. Of course, every teenage girl likes different things and has different habits, but here are some of the traits that simply do not make sense to me.

1. Drinking Coffee

Yes, I wish I were one of the girls who could stay out all night only to roll out of bed the next morning with a vat of coffee in one hand and a textbook in the other. It’s not that I hate the taste of coffee, and sometimes I will order a calorie-dense caramel freeze thing, but other than that, WHY? Do I want to be dehydrated during the entire day? Do I want to be nervous and shaky while having caffeine rushing through my veins? No thanks, coffee.

2. Listening to Angsty Teen Music

To be honest, I only recently started listening to the radio, and only as an alternative to talking to myself while driving (driving is something I hate... but I’ll get to that later). I honestly don’t know any current music, and if I do, it’s probably some obnoxious song I hear constantly. When people are able to identify bands and singers that existed decades ago, I am impressed. I applaud you for your devotion. Also, I am afraid I will never hop on the record player trend.

3. Having Name-Brand Everything

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am extremely cheap with clothing. Sorry, but if it is over $15, it is an investment. I will scour Goodwill for hours before spending $20 on a shirt at the mall. The name-brand stuff I do have is usually my sister’s, and when I do wear it, I feel pretentious. Also, have you tried to drive wearing Hunter boots?

4. Being Tan

This also goes along with being outside. I really wish I were the type of person who goes on sporadic walks and takes pictures of trees—trust me, I’ve tried. I also wish I liked laying in the sun for hours while my skin fries into a cancerous sunburn, but I’ll take my pasty white legs over a tanning bed any day.

5. Love Nutella, or Peanut Butter, or ANYTHING:

Yes, I put plain butter on my toast. This also applies to eating my cereal milk-free and dry.

6. Doing My Eye-Liner as a Perfect Wing

First of all, I’m allergic to any type of eye makeup, so even if I wanted to, I could never actually put on eyeliner. Secondly, who has the time to stand two inches from the mirror while carefully applying black tar to their eyes (while making the lines perfectly even)? Seriously, I admire you for your dedication though. When girls have this skill, I think it looks awesome.

7. Staying Out Late

I am usually extremely tired at night. If I am out after eleven, I will most likely pressure you into letting me sleep over so I don’t have to drive. Why would I want to stay out when I could be curled up with my cats watching Netflix? Is there really anything to explain on this one?

8. Driving

Saving the best one for last here, guys. Those of you that know me know that I absolutely HATE driving. I have honestly canceled plans before simply because I didn’t want to drive 10 minutes to get somewhere. Some people tell me they feel super alive and free while driving. Do you know what I feel? I feel the stress of traffic and the restlessness of being in a car. If it’s over 10 minutes away, sorry, I can’t make it. This also applies to any sort of highway driving. I'm waiting for one of my engineering friends to invent a teleporter.