In just one short week, college students everywhere will be forced to spend the entirety of their summer savings on unreasonably pricey textbooks. On top of compounding student loan payments and the general expenses of being a human on this earth, having to pay steep prices for textbooks students will use maybe once or twice a semester can often like a swift punch to the proverbial beer-and-pizza-gut.

It's no wonder that so many broke college students are constantly begging for free food and, in some particularly desperate cases, free T-shirts from campus events.

Today's students deserve answers.

Well, after conducting some thorough research during a completely legit investigative report, we've compiled the actual true reasons why your college textbooks are so freakin' expensive.

They are made of literal solid gold.

Your beaten down, $300 biology textbook with the picture of a frog's eye on the front cover and coffee stains on the pages might look pretty worthless, but it's actually made of literal, solid gold. Why else would it be so expensive? All those "Invest All Your Money In Gold Right Away Cause Your Financial Future Depends On It!" commercials they show on Fox News are incessantly adamant about gold's inherent value in the face of the impending apocalypse, and it's pretty obvious that your overpriced bio textbook is actually just a block of pure gold disguised as a poorly kept textbook by the government to trick poor college students into investing in federal resources before the zombies officially takeover and try to kill us all.

Right? Totally viable.

The information within their pages can be transferred into your brain via the process of osmosis.

No actual studying required! Just use the textbook as a pillow to support your head while you binge watch "Gossip Girl" on Netflix, and voila! You'll instantly know everything you need to know for your incredibly impossible microeconomics midterm. It's a scientific miracle!

They were each personally researched, penned, bound, published, signed, and kissed by Apollo, the Greek God of knowledge.

We tried to reach Apollo for comment, but his assistant said he was too busy personally writing and printing every single college textbook for resale at campus bookstores nationwide. She did confirm, however, that the ink he uses to write is actually the mystical blood of a thousand centaurs and that the pages are made from the intricately woven fibers of a dove's feathers. "Yeah," she scoffed during our phone call, "Of course this stuff's expensive."