I never thought that much about being black

I mean it was always there

The dark skin and the kinky hair would stare back at me every day when I looked in the mirror

But I didn't hate being black

But I didn't love me

What I did love was seeing all of those white performers on my tv screen

Like Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne

I wanted their straight blond hair, and blue eyes, and perfect little noses

If I can look like them… all of my dreams will come true….

And every morning I looked in the mirror, and I found another problem

Why couldn’t the flat iron make my hair just a little silkier?

And why couldn’t my broad nose have that cute little point at the tip?

Or why couldn't it at least not cover up half of my face?

And one day, as I stared deeper into the mirror, all of the questions simmered down to one…

Why couldn’t I be pretty?

Because no little black girl with kinky hair and a big nose could ever be considered beautiful... right?

I was only ever able to blend in.

Not ugly enough to be bullied

But not pretty enough to draw the awe of my all-black middle school

Like the white girl did with her beautiful straw colored hair

Enamoring everyone with her pale complexion and incredible way of making every teacher love her

But why can't I be pretty?

My parents always told me that it's ok to be black

But I must always be sure that I look professional

And yes, I have some curves now, but to make sure I cover them up

Don't be one of those black girls.

And dreads are dirty, and braids aren't work-appropriate

And when am I getting another relaxer?

Don’t put your job in jeopardy to make a statement.

… And all I ever wanted was to be pretty

Because one day I want someone to look me in the eyes and say “I love you” and mean it

And one day I want to feel worthy of being loved

And one day I want to be the most special little black girl in someone’s life

But how can I be loved if I don't love myself?