The present I would have gotten you this year

First off let's make this clear, I LOVE Christmas! I love the lights, the traditions, the history, the giving and receiving, the decorating, all of it I love! Except one thing, celebrating without you.

You see as a child I never dreamt the day would exist where I lived in a world without you physically in it. You were my entire world and now I am expected to go on without you here to do life with me. There are of course the daily struggles that have grown more normal as the days have passed, such as wanting to pick up the phone and call you. There are the hard days where crawling out of bed is nearly impossible but the tears are effortless. And then you have birthdays and holidays that just never get easier.

It is the most magical time of year but you know what isn't magical? Watching a million and one Hallmark movies where everyone spends their time with families. Hearing friends talk about what they are buying their loved ones this holiday season or what they are making for their family gathering. But worst of all, it is looking through a magazine, watching an ad, or even going shopping and passing all of the gifts I would love to buy for you this year, but won't be.

Searching for that perfect gift is a hard task normally, but when you are hunting the aisles for someone else and you spot a product on the shelf and instantly you think "Oh! They would LOVE this! I must buy it!" then reality strikes and tears sting your eyes in the home decor aisle of Target because that perfect gift isn't so perfect without them here to receive it.

You know what else hurts? Those gifts you did purchase at one time that you remember them opening, wearing, or barely getting to use. That beautiful jewelry over there on the store shelf under the shining lights, that now sits collecting dust in your keepsake box. That cookbook that you knew they would use regularly because they were phenomenal cooks, sits brand new staring at you begging to be opened, just to be skipped over again.

The presents that we constantly think to ourselves that they would love, quickly crush us and make us realize that those days are gone. Today is here and with it does not bring our loved ones back. Of all the presents under the tree and theirs is not to be seen. Their stocking is still hung though to ensure they are not forgotten; present or no present under the tree.

So here I sit wondering how long it will be before Christmas gets "easier" without you in it.