Some may see it as me just being down for anything. Others see it as me simply not caring enough to choose. But I know it is me being unable to make up my mind, even if my life depends on it.
Since the early days, all the way back when Taylor Swift was unknown and the solar system still had nine planets, I've always had the struggle of making decisions on my own. No matter how minutely the choices may have impacted my life, it was essentially guaranteed that no decision would be made without a) help from every other person on the planet, and b) some sort of validation that my choice was the correct one.
Should I pick the blue car or the red car to be my next toy?
Do I want the Playstation 3 or the Xbox 360 for Christmas?
Would it be better to go to McDonalds or Wendy's to get my midnight snack?
Literally EVERYTHING was a debate. I envy those people who take pretty much negative five seconds to make a decision when I can't even tell you what shoes I'm gonna wear tomorrow (to be fair, I own upwards of 14 pairs). This wouldn't be much of a problem if the disease of being indecisive didn't spread to more important life choices.
What college should I go to?
What is my major going to be?
Should I take this class or that class?
Life is chock-full of forks in the road. One consecutive choice after another. Each path taken has a direct consequence. Each "cause" has an "effect." And these effects can drastically change the course of someone's day, year, or even life. This phenomenon is known as the Butterfly Effect, whereby "a minute localized change in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere." The average number of remotely conscious decisions a person makes in a day is 35,000. Thirty-five thousand unique paths with their own unique consequences. Thirty-five thousand paths that may seem unimportant at the time, but can end up drastically altering the future.
And this is what I think my indecisiveness stems from.
I get pretty stressed over the dumbest things (I bet you didn't see that one coming), and I'll bet my dog (which is a bold move, if I do say so myself) that a lot of that stress forms during times when a life decision has to be made. I hate having to stand at my own fork in the road and choose whether to go left or right. If I choose left, what'll happen if that was the worse path? What if going right would make me happier? What if going left is setting myself up for a more negative life experience? What if?
That's the biggest problem. The "what if."
The "what ifs" control my life. They add an extra half hour to every decision made because I'm not confident that I'll choose correctly, that I'll choose what's going to make me happiest. I'm attempting to control those fears in my day-to-day life, but that's easier said than done. Every year that passes is a year closer to becoming a full-fledged adult. Part of being an adult is making difficult decisions that have enormous weight to them. I know that one day, I'll be able to cage those demons and take my choices to the grave with me.
But for now, as a 19-year-old college student, I am making around 35,000 decisions every day.
And I am probably overthinking every single one of them.
