Second Chances: I’ve given them to you time after time. Waiting, hoping that this time around it would be different. Part of me knows letting someone in will relinquish all the work I’ve spent on myself. Working and learning how to live for me. How I have welded my heart from two pieces back into one. Each spark, teaching me to love myself and every single flaw that is tied to the soul that embodies me. As soon as I let you in, I know these things will slowly be undone.
You come in pieces that never make a whole. You bring the warm feeling of a spring day when the sun dances along your skin. The rays warming the places that have been cold for so long. But also with your sun comes the unpredictable storms you carry. The nights you open up, to only shut down the next day. When you come back promising that this time, it will be different and each time I am foolish enough to believe that something may change. You disappear into the rain and leave me feeling as if I am getting pulled into the rip current with no one by my side. The feeling of panic that this is my fault, if I would have just not said something, this storm would have vanished. The feeling of water weighs in my chest as I wait just to see you reach your hand out again and pull me back, but I can’t this time. I have let you pull me back far too many times. At that moment you were never saving me, only pulling me back enough to barely keep me holding on. Saving me from the current that I need to pull myself away from your lightning strikes. I cannot wait for you to come along and save me this time. I can’t fight to keep us alive this time. I let the undertow pull me in, and I feel the pain rush through my very core. I have let you go and embraced the ache of losing you, but please know that I am OK. A familiar warmth soon will light up my skin again, but this time not from your sun. A warmth I will create by having a sun of my own. Never again living in dread of the rainstorms you brought. I am not a victim of the whirlwind of commitment issues you bring along. I am not the reason for your insecurities in letting someone know your heart. I am not the reason you cannot seem to learn the word trust. I am not the reason for your storm.
Today I stand here and my dear, I have created my own warmth in my heart. You must know that I owe you a thank you for pushing me to learn to be alone. I sometimes find myself thinking of you on a day when the sun lights up my skin. But please know that this is me closing the door that you’ve had the key to for far too long. I’ve changed the locks, and it’s time for you to realize that your second chances, they’re done.
