This past week, I cruised around Alaska with 2,100 other people from all walks of life, and all of us sailed in relative harmony on a glorified cargo ship. Just kidding, I'm joking. This ship was the Kardashian; nay, the Kennedy of cargo ships. The Kardashian of cargo ships would be a Carnival Cruise ship. (Cue the ooooohhhh's that accompany a well-executed burn.)
While on this ship, I observed people with several different nationalities, religions, sexual orientations, and cultures. My mind was opened, my appreciation for differences was heightened, and my patience was tested. Here are a few of the main types of people I encountered while on a Princess Cruise to The Final Frontier
1. Old People
A Princess Cruise is not exactly meant for the young party crowd seeking nights they won't remember and memories they won't forget. They are meant for families looking for a wholesome vacation vessel to travel on, people fresh our of retirement and living their best lives, and then Old People. Old People are old. I mean they are straight up elderly. They aren't the aforementioned type of "old people" that are newly retired, as those people are super psyched to not be working anymore so they drink wine with their dinner and aren't afraid to go up on stage during a magic show.
Old People are the ones soaking up their final moments and just absolutely blowing the last of their life savings on a cruise to Alaska. They were the ones I had to walk behind down the gangway as they took each step as if they were stepping off tiny, sequential cliffs. They were the ones who carried their shoulder bags tightly under their arms while they walked the halls as if they were cruising on a Somali pirate ship. Old People were the poo clogging the pipes that kept the cruise ship moving in an efficient manner. I know I sound ageist and like I don't respect my elders, but I swear I'm not and I do. I just have a bone to pick with the eighty-eight year olds who forget that they haven't been able to use stairs, buffets, coke dispensers, or elevator buttons correctly since 2002.
2. Men
Right now you may be wondering, "Caroline, isn't this a vague category? Surely you can narrow down the second type of people you met on this cruise to maybe Asian Men or Very Kind Men with Transition Glasses?" To this I say: No. Men on this cruise, as a gender, blew me away. If I took the time to break down each type that I encountered, we would be here all day. Men on cruises are just slightly different than men on a normal day. Men on cruises are super chivalrous, and the only reason I can make sense of this phenomenon is that they are trying to cheat on their wives while they are on the Lido Deck getting their foot prints analyzed by an back pain specialist. Maybe they aren't actually trying to cheat, but they are definitely digging the fact that other women are stuck on this boat for a week with unlimited supplies of fruity drinks and gourmet pastries--the two most powerful aphrodisiacs known to womankind.
Men on cruises are also super mean. I saw several men throughout the trip whining like children because their wives, who are just honest to God trying to enjoy their vacation, want to go into an artisanal glass shop. Or they are whisper-screaming in the ear of their womenfolk because they were taking too long to find a table to sit at. (She is trying to find one table out of 50 that hasn't been taken over by aggressive buffet-goers, sorry if this process takes more than a millisecond, you impatient meat bag!!!) Men cruises are also kinda pervy. No matter how much older they are than you, they will look at you like you're a snack whenever Formal Night rolls around and you've got on your good string of pearls. The one's who happen to be your room service waiters always let their eyes linger a little too long on the pajamas you have laid out on your bed which I don't understand because my pajamas have a moose on them. Still, they look at it like it's a silk slip from Victoria's Secret with the words "Let's Get Funky" embroidered on them.
3. The Cute Guys
On a cruise boat, pickings are slim. The hand you're dealt on Embarkation Day is the hand you're stuck with for the entire trip. That's why the few, and by few I mean two or three, attractive guys who are on board the ship draw me to them like a desperate moth to a sexy flame. These guys are either on board with their significant others, or they are with their families. If they are the former, the cause is lost except for when their women are away and they turn into Men, the Flirty Variety (Reference #2 of this Listicle for more information). If these guys are the latter and are on this cruise with their family, the cause is still lost, but a little more lucrative for my flirting ego. Parents of The Cute Guys are literally clueless to the fact that I am stalking their sons like prey, standing a safe two people away from them in line for bacon and making sure I am in their line of sight during Bingo. If you wonder why your son seems distracted during dinner, it is because I am only a table away trying to fit an entire poppy seed dinner roll in my mouth as sexily as possible while maintaining unfaltering eye contact. Normally, I might not go for these guys, but just like a shark has to keep moving or it will die, I have to keep throwin' this thaaaannnggg or I will also probably die. I haven't been able to test this hypothesis out yet. I'll keep you posted.
4. GROWN MEN IN FLIP FLOPS
Don't. Stop. You say you're a man but the only thing you have on your feet is a piece of rubber with a strip of cloth between your toes. You can't do anything for me in that footwear. You can't do anything for anyone in that footwear. Put on some shoes with laces so I can tell you apart from the little girl with Cinderalla light-up sandals enjoying her time at the kiddie-pool. Otherwise, the similarity is uncanny.
