Some of my best, clearest thought sessions happen when I'm driving alone. And, if I have enough forethought, I will transcribe these sessions as soon as I can. On one such day a summer ago, I penned this revelation. One year later, now a college graduate, this discovery applies to me more than ever.
This particular revelation came to me as I accompanied my mom to the gas station in another car. Her car (actually my car) was dangerously on E, and I would have felt responsible if she ran out of gas on the interim drive. As I drove through the perfectly-timed torrential rain storm, I berated myself for how little I had accomplished that day. As a woman with great aspirations and little patience, I am more familiar with self-criticism than with any act of praise for the things that I did accomplish that day. My biggest criticism at that moment was that I had not worked on every area of my life in which I wanted to be proficient. I touched some of these areas—I had worked my job, I had done yoga that morning—but I hadn’t done the 20 other things that I had promised myself. Basically, I was worried that my daily actions weren't living up to the titles that I wanted for myself.
It occurred to me, though, that my self-flagellation made sense from a what I would call a “paper perspective.” After all, it’s desirable to be able to say on a resume that you are many things (manager, writer, team player, leader). Notice that I didn't say that you can do many things. But that you are many things. The two are connected, but yet are still significantly different. This obsession is not with simply being able to do something, but being so proficient that you are that thing-- I am a writer,” “I am a manager,” “I am a CEO,” “I am a consultant.” I have found that, for myself, rolling out (by mouth or on paper), a long list of the things that I am is internally very satisfying. Look at all the cool things that I am. It's kind of the equivalent of saying, “Look at all of the cool clubs that I am a part of.” The obsession isn't so much with my to-do list, what did I do or not do, but how have I validated those titles today?
This perspective might not infect some people. But for anyone like me, who has multiple interests and suffers from a crippling desire to be accepted by everyone, the pressure to be many things is very real. It's like having two many Instagram filters to choose from—you could be one of them one day, and a different one the next day. But, in my warped perspective, “it’s ok as long as I have the option of fitting in anywhere at anytime.”
In the end, it's not about shortening my to-do list. This is about simplifying my life. I don't mean adopting a minimalist approach to life, like you would your clothing or your home décor. This is about simplifying me. I don't have to be all those things. I don't have to fit into every sphere of life. That's why there are other people on the planet, after all. And that’s a beautiful thing.
