I read a story a couple months ago of how an old man died hours after his wife had passed and doctors believe that he died of a broken heart. I read the article out loud and joked with him that that would be us in 80 years. He laughed and gave me a kiss; he said he would die without me.
***
My body aches. My hands are shaking; eyes are wet and red because of the tears. My head is throbbing and I am sitting in a dark room, alone. Where I have been for three days now. I try to sleep and I can doze off for just a moment or so until the pain of him leaving hits me again and I wake up to a wet pillow from crying in my sleep. I feel like dying- it would make all the pain go away.
My mom checks on me often. She is scared, worried about her baby girl.
“Mom, it hurts so bad. Make it go away, please!”
With pain in her eyes, “I can’t make it stop baby, but you can’t live your life like this. Get up, try to have a normal day.”
“I just want to die. Then it would be easier for everyone, right?”
Shocked she responds, “Imagine the pain that would bring all of us around you. I know you are hurting baby, but you are so loved. Please, for me, get up today.”
I know this is killing her, but it’s killing me too.
I don’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days and the exhaustion isn’t helping to ease the pain any. I don’t remember the last time I ate. I don’t remember the last time I laughed or smiled. All I know is that I am hurting and no one, no matter how hard they try, can make it stop.
My eyes are burning; they hurt so terribly bad. My head is pounding so loud I feel as if the neighbors can hear it. The pain has only intensified the last two days and they say it gets better over time and I am here to tell you it doesn’t. Feeling like death never gets better.
My heart feels like it is broken. My chest literally hurts. There is an emptiness that is unexplainable. My heart cries out to just be in his presence again. Another day goes by and my little brother comes in to check on me:
“Sis, how are you doing?”
Questions flow out of me, “Aaron, am I crazy? Why does it hurt so badly? Am I being dramatic? Has he called? Does he miss me? Has he been crying for days, too?”
“I don’t know Sis. But you aren’t crazy. I watched you two fall in love for the past two years and that isn’t something you can get over in a couple of days. Know that I love you and that I am here for you. Mom wants you to get out of bed- you should try to eat. You look like death”
Under my breath, “I feel like death.”
***
I feel like that old man. But honestly, I don’t want to die... I want to love.
***
I wrote this a year ago, laying in my room needing an outlet to get some of my feelings out. I fought an internal battle debating on whether or not I should publish these thoughts, but then it hit me; I am not the only one to have ever suffered the pain of a broken heart. But in that moment, I felt so very alone. A year later I am in a much better place and felt that by sharing these feelings, maybe - just maybe - I can remind someone else that is going through this pain that they are not alone. The pain of a broken heart is real and it is hard to understand, but I promise that one day you will be okay. One day you will laugh again and smile like you mean it. But until then, know that you are not alone.
