They say “all is fair in love and war,” but what does that really mean? Neither love nor war is necessarily fair. However, the comparison should not be made between the two to begin with, because love should not be war. The saying illustrates that in certain situations, like war, extreme actions are acceptable. It says that all plays are fair game, able to be pardoned. The rules of hard play are okay, and any method of achieving your objective is justifiable. Is nothing out of bounds in love as well?

It shouldn’t be.

In a way, we are all in a war against the rest of the world in our lives, perhaps fighting for love. But in no way should that mean breaking someone else’s relationship, deceiving people, or baiting someone out in the open to know where they stand is admissible. People do many things in the name of love, and use it as an excuse for their extreme actions. For instance, your best friend is happily engaged to his or her significant other, but you steal their lover. This can be seen as more acceptable if you love the person you went after, even though it was your friend’s relationship. That’s a filthy fight, and there isn’t honor in fighting dirty, even if you do win. Peoples’ hearts are not meant to be played, especially on an unclean field. In love, that is not the type of war that should be fought.

It is painfully apparent to us that there isn’t a book of rules of how to navigate love, but that doesn’t mean we need to take on guerilla warfare against others to gain more ground. Not that love is easy, either. You can be sure there will be battles of hurt, hardship, loss, and change. But it should be about you and the person you love. If anything, you and your partner should be fellow soldiers, comrades. Together, you can fight outside obstacles. Whether it be the distance between you, the time you have to spend apart, sickness, or a loss that has befallen your family. Those are the parts we should be warring against. Come out the other side of those obstacles decorated, wear the hard times that you came through as medals.

No manipulative tactics, no taking down another underhandedly. If you have an objective to achieve, one should hope that it is to make each other happy, have one another’s back in a tough situation, or to help heal from a wound. We can go to great lengths to make those things happen. When we believe in someone, value them, and invest in them, it makes a relationship worth fighting for. When we have been valued in return, encouraged, and supported, that makes a relationship worth fighting for. When you are a team, together against outside circumstances, and in a relationship worth fighting for… that is the only reason love should be like war.

When fought honorably, love is a war worth fighting.