The Not-So-Official Ranking Of Every "Firefly" Episode
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The Not-So-Official Ranking Of Every "Firefly" Episode

Because it had to be done.

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The Not-So-Official Ranking Of Every "Firefly" Episode
Pastramination (Wordpress)

Firefly has an almost cultish following. Joss Whedon’s space western was quickly canceled after 14 episodes, but not before garnering an impassioned and dedicated fan base. Mal and his first mate and war buddy Zoe, after war between the Alliance and the Independence that resulted in “Unification” or tyrannical rule, excerpt a small scale resistance as leaders of “Serenity,” a firefly class spaceship. The crew includes Wash, Zoe’s husband and pilot; Kaylee, a mechanic; Inara, a ‘companion’; and Jayne, a mercenary.

Along the way, they find Shephard Book, a preacher with a mysterious past, and two fugitives: brother and sister, Simon and River, who are wanted after Simon smuggles River out of a secret Alliance school that experimented with her brain. They take any work they can get, even the legal ones, as they try to circumvent the Alliance any way they can.

So what episodes are the best of this phenomenal series? Read on to find out!

14. "Bushwhacked."

This is not a bad episode; it’s just, well, not quite as good. Not a whole lot happens, and what does happen isn’t too enjoyable. This show is insanely quotable, and yet this is the one episode I struggled to find the best one-liner. One thing to note is that this is the scariest episode of the series; we get an insight into Reavers, the cannibalistic killers that haunt the outer rim. This new information is even retconned in the movie.

Best Line: “Fought with a lot of people in the war.” “And your husband?” “Fight with him sometimes, too.”

13. "War Stories."

Mal and Wash are kidnapped, Wash and Zoe are fighting, and we find out that River’s time at the institute left her with super soldier capabilities. Also Inara has a female client. This is a big deal for some reason. There are plenty of good things in this episode, but frankly, they just don’t compare to the rest of the series.

Best Line: “No power in the ‘verse can stop me."

12. "Trash."

So, Saffron’s back (do we ever find out her real name?), Mal’s estranged, black-widow, con-woman wife. Christina Hendricks is amazing, don’t get me wrong, but the double crosses and team in fighting get a bit tiring. The heist is fun, but is more fun in “Ariel” and “Train Job." There is a naked Mal, so that’s pretty great.

Best Line: “Also, I can kill you with my brain.”

11. "The Train Job."

It's the second episode and the show is trying to find its footing. The heist, a moving train, and Jayne being lowered down from Serenity -- this is great, and you get introduced to the plight of border planets. Most importantly, you get the Robin Hood/Cowboy mentality that the crew shares (except for Jayne, who is more Cowboy/Idiot Mercenary). It’s a solid episode, but there are a lot better episodes that follow.

Best Line: “You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with ‘til you understand who's in ruttin' command.”

10. "Jaynestown."

While visiting a small planet for a job, we find out that Jayne is revered as a hero here. Not only does he have a statue in his likeness, but a folk song. It’s amazing. There’s also a subplot about River and Shepherd Book that is some of the funniest material in the entire series. By no means the most profound episode in ‘Firefly,’ it is cotton candy fun.

Best Line: “Keep on walking, preacher man.”

9. "Safe."

Hill people (yes, that’s how they are referred to in the episode) steal Simon and River because they need a doctor. This is unfortunate because Shepard Book suffers a bullet wound, leaving the crew with only the Alliance with the capability to save his life. There are great flashbacks (baby Zac Efron!) that are the highlight of this episode; you really see what the Academy took from not just River, but Simon, as well. We also get glimpse into Book's past, where he may have not just been a Preacher.

Best Line: “This girl is a witch.” “Yeah, but she’s our witch, so cut her the hell down.”

8. "Our Mrs. Reynolds."

After saving a small town from bandits, the crew celebrate with a night of heavy drinking. This has consequences beyond hangovers though, as Mal ends up with a wife: Saffron. Saffron’s motives come into question, with great character moments all around (especially Wash and Zoe, who, as a married couple, get some of the series' best one-liners).

Best Line: “If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell, a level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk in the theater.”

7. "The Message."

Zoe and Mal get sent a package: a seemingly dead war buddy, with the recorded message hoping that he can be sent home. What follows is heartbreaking, maybe not in the ways that you might expect. This is a stand-out episode for Mal, Zoe, and Kaylee especially. This episode also features a great villain, a vain and dangerous Alliance sheriff, and one of the most exciting spaceship chases in the show's history.

Best Line: “When you can’t run, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that…” “...You find someone to carry you.”

6. "Serenity."

The one that started it all! Pilot episodes are hard to make; you have to introduce your world, and characters, which is particularly hard with a world as vast and ensemble-driven as "Firefly." “Serenity” does it well, introducing the crew with all their quirks, the tyrannical Alliance, and ‘reavers.’ Best of all, it cements the themes of family and freedom, that kept a fanatical fan base enthralled for years to come.

Best Line: “We’ve done the impossible, and that makes us mighty.”

5. "Ariel."

River’s mental health is deteriorating, so Simon proposes a plan: pay the crew to sneak them into a hospital to run tests -- with plentiful medication as payment. This episode is part Ocean's Eleven, part House, all fun. Simon’s penchant for criminal behavior and Jayne's ultimate betrayal make for one of the most solid hours of "Firefly" ever.

Best Line: “Look, you got a little stabbed the other day. That’s bound to make anyone a mite ornery.”

4. "Heart of Gold."

There are some episodes of "Firefly" that are clearly more ‘western’ than ‘science fiction,’ and this is one of them. And boy, does it work. Inara’s friend Nadine, who owns a house that sex workers operate out off, is in trouble when the de facto barron of her planet decides he wants what she has, or, more specifically, one of the sex workers, Pedaline's, child. What results is a siege on the brothel by men on horseback while the crew and the workers have to defend it, all while Pedaline gives birth. Suspenseful, funny, and thoughtful, this is easily one of the show's best.

Best Line: “ Rance, this is Jonah… Say ‘hi’ to your daddy. Say “goodbye” to your daddy, Jonah.”

3. "Shindig."

Inara has an appointment on Persephone while the crew has to secure the job from a socialite, with both worlds colliding at the ‘party of the year.' This results in chaos, fencing duels, and the fourth episode; this is where “Firefly” really hit its stride. With its characters and their dynamics starting to develop, we get a stand-out episode. We have Wash and Zoe’s weird and wonderful marriage, Inara and Mal's prickly, flirty banter, and Kaylee’s adorableness unleashed on the elite of the planet Persephone.

Best Line: “Yes sir, Captain Tight Pants.”

2. "Out of Gas."

This episode is straight-up amazing and could easily be the best episode of the series (but I think that my choice edges it out by a hair). Told out of order, we find the crew and the events leading up to an explosion on board the ship, Mal trying to figure out how to repair life support to Serenity as it rapidly loses air, and flashbacks to how everyone came to Serenity. This episode shows the bond between the crew members and what Serenity means to each person: freedom, a fresh start, better pay, or an adventure. It has edge-of-your-seat suspense and more than a little heart; it’s easily one of the best episodes of TV that I have ever watched.

Best Line: “Tell you, Zoe, we get a mechanic, get her up and running again, hire a good pilot, maybe a cook. Live like real people. Small crew -- they must feel the need to be free, take jobs as they come. Ain’t never have to be under the heel of nobody ever again. No matter how long the arm of the Alliance might get, we’ll just get ourselves a little further."

1. "Objects in Space."

River is defined throughout the series by her deteriorating mental health and the possibility that she possesses superhuman abilities: to read minds, and being an inhumanly talented assassin. The cold open is from River’s perspective. Instead of being the butt of jokes or the object of fear, we see the claustrophobic, out-of-control, and painful world inside a 17-year-old girl whose brain was cut into with the hope she would become a weapon. The episode is the best of the series for the opening alone, but the rest of the episode is just as good, if not better. When the crew learns that River may be trained to kill, they try to figure out her place on board Serenity, all while a bounty hunter, Jubal Early, dressed in red leather and preaching his own terrifying dogma, infiltrates the ship in search of River and Simon. Heart-wrenching, hilarious, and profound, this episode is not only the strongest episode of "Firefly," but shows the amazing potential.

Best Line: “I can’t keep track of her when she’s not incorporeally possessing a spaceship. Don’t look at me.”

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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